Patching Holes in roofs and in people

This morning after our dentist appointments, (Layton Hills Dental is awesome!!--Aunt Jess works there and everyone took such great care of my kids while I was getting my teeth cleaned) we went to the Home Depot for some roof sealant/tar stuff. On the drive home I was feeling a little anxious about getting up on the roof to do the simple patch job. I guess I noticed the dark clouds rolling in and the trees swaying in the strengthening wind. I pictured myself falling off the roof and thought I probably should have another adult at the house before I climb the ladder. Usually, when a tiny bit of wisdom creeps in, I am able to replace it with a wacked out thought. I only had to get on the back part of the house where there is a deck, so if I fall, I won't fall far. This wacked out thinking came out in a car conversation with my daughters. "Girls, I have to climb the ladder and get on top of the house to fix the place that is broken. It is going to rain soon, so I need to get up there fast so the water won't drip into our house. I need your help." (What idiot asks for roofing help from little girls?)
"Okay Mommy!!" "Yeah, we can help!"
"Well, I will open the gates to the back yard and and the front door of the house. If I fall down off of the roof, then you need to run to Emily's house, Austin's house or Sabrina's house to get help, then the ambulance can come and fix me if I get hurt."
"Okay"
PROBLEM SOLVED. Ready to fix the roof.
And then, as we pulled in the garage, Kamryn said, "I can save you momma" and Emerson said, "Yes, mom, we know where the bandaids are, we don't need to run to anybody's house!"

Oh dear.

I did end up climbing to the top of the ladder and putting the tools up on the roof. As I was ready to place my first foot on the surface of the roof, I looked down into my little girls smiling faces, (those were my would be lifesavers) and finally convinced myself that they could not save me and I was an idiot to think that this was a situation wherein I was using any logic.

We have to patch holes with the proper Savior.

In building new relationships, we have to be certain that we are not looking for other people to patch any holes in our lives.

I've had some interesting experiences since I started dating a month ago. I've been out with a few men and I'm already ready for a long break from dating. I really felt like the men were trying to patch holes in their lives with a woman. I'll hold the ladder for you, but I will not patch your life. I may know where the bandaids are, but you need more help than I can provide.

I am really glad that I did go out--it was something I had to get over.
For a while I was seriously afraid of men. When a man asked for my phone number or for a date or a dance I saw him as a potential controller (or worse, an abuser or a rapist). I don't feel this way at all anymore. Even though I don't put my complete trust in individuals, I do not fear them. Further along in my healing, I recognized that there are good men out there who have honest intents.
However, because I am loving life as it is now, I don't want to "mess" with it by adding a relationship. When I meet a friend who is all patched up and has his house in order, then I may want to spend time with him.

I am pretty protective of my time anyway. I really felt like I wasted a bit of time with dates when I could have been enjoying tickle time and bedtime stories with my girls, exercising, or doing spiritual work (with scripture study, journaling, prayer and meditation). I crave all of those things. I do not yet crave companionship.
And besides, I'm kind of crushing on a couple of ancient prophets right now. I love Jacob and Moroni.

Ups and Downs on a Wednesday Night

I just got back from a roller coaster of a night. It started with a great road run in the hills by my parents house. I've been on a treadmill for so long that I forgot how awesome and difficult road runs can be. I didn't have music, which was okay. I had changed plans at the last minute and ditched my class at the gym for the run. The ups were really hard--I was sucking air and my legs were burning, but the downs were such a rewarding recovery.

After changing, I let my girls keep playing with grandma (she was so fun) and I left for my religion class. Peter Breinholt taught us tonight. The topic was putting off the natural man. I loved it! It was amazing how it fit into exactly what I have been studying about gaining more light and knowledge as we Come Unto Christ. We also discussed the differences between information, knowledge and wisdom. We can receive everything that Our Father offers us through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and receive it through the Holy Ghost as we put off the natural man and exercise faith, hope and charity. It was such a spiritual high that ended with Peter singing us a song that he had written for his son when his son was 4 years old. I really don't remember all of the great lyrics, but I remember how I felt as I sat in the chapel and soaked in the meaning and feeling of the song. What I gained from the song to the 4 year old was that I love my girls so much. A great part of being a single mom is that I can snuggle them, read to them, pray with them and then watch them drift off to sleep without any thing else to do for the evening. I've recognized this as such a blessing--I can just soak it all in and have nothing else on my list of things to do. The house is silent and there are no other duties and no one else that needs any attention. Bedtime is not a rush. Peter's song talked to the 4 year old about how quickly he will grow and leave the nest to fly. There will be great things to see and feelings to feel while soaring, but for now, the child is ours. My girls are safely in the nest for me to fall in love with over and over again. This was such a sweet experience for me tonight.

Contrast this to 35 minutes later as I'm driving toward home with my girls in the car, one of them screaming psychotically at the top of her lungs because she had fallen asleep at grandma's house and was disgusted that I dare take her back to our BORING house. Suddenly, I was ready to rush through bedtime and get as far away from this angry little bird as I could.

The Ups and Downs of being a single mom on a Wednesday night. Lovely.

Broke my own dating rules

It was a good date really.

Last year I thought that I would be ready to date by January 2011. Well, last month came and I said I still wasn't ready. Last week a man asked me out and I said no again. I would like to get to know him better, but I still wasn't ready. Today after taking my girls swimming, my little brother "asked me out" for a trial date. I think he has only asked a girl out once before and he has only been on one date since his dating years began 6 years ago. I told him for sure that I would go with him.

Shantelle's Dating Rules:

1. Home before midnight

2. Drive separately

3. Stay in public places

4. Keep my home off limits

5. No kids involved

6. No movie dates

Rules 5 and 6 were broken tonight.

My little brother doesn't know my dating rules though and I should have made it clear, but I thought, since he's my brother and I had no babysitter then I could bend the rules. I knew my girls would not be confused or worried because they know and love their uncle already.

We took my kids to the 9:25 pm show. One fell asleep on the way there, so I carried her into the theater. The other one fell asleep on my lap within the first ten minutes and, unfortunately, she's the one who occasionally wets the bed. Yep, my lap ended up being urine soaked halfway through the show. Lesson learned--No kids on dates. Even the fake dates.

The movie was really good though. We watched "Morning Glory". We also ran into Mary and Vicky from the ward (neighborhood congregation) where we grew up. It was great to reconnect with them. Those are 2 of my 15 favorite women in the world. Those friends and I and Shane and I only had maybe 10 minutes of real conversation. So, in getting to know someone that I need to be able to trust, I don't want to waste time in a dark theater.

I didn't get nervous at all on this "date" and I'm thrilled that I did it. I think I'm ready for dating (or almost ready). I tend to be over optimistic about my progress.

At least I know that I'll stick to those rules until I feel safe. However, when rule #5 is ready to be crossed off, I'm going to pack some pull-ups.

What do Childbirth, Childrearing and New Floors have in Common?

Well, as I type this, it's Friday evening and the girls and I are confined to my bedroom. The flooring men are finishing up right in the hallway. The doors are open because they are connecting the carpet and laminate at the thresholds of the bathroom/master/girls room and closets. I was trying to entertain the girls, but finally I found a box of unused nursing pads in my dresser. Currently, the girls are unwrapping each one, peeling off the back and sticking them all over the walls. Each pad takes a couple of minutes to unwrap and peel, so I figure I have about 15 more minutes of computer time.

This week has been great.

I had the opportunity to meet with my students and their parents during conferences. I had 100% attendance. I love parent teacher conferences. This year was even more exciting for some reason. I sent the latest report cards home 2 weeks ago, so I didn't have to discuss that at all. The parents came prepared, knowing the areas of academic concern. I spent hours preparing individual take home packets designed for each child's needs. The parents seemed really willing and grateful for the guidance to support their child at home. The rest of the time in each conference was spent on discussion of character and social development. Our school uses the Covey "Leader In Me" program with the 7 Habits of Happy Kids. I love it!

This week has been a bit exhausting though.

Coming home from work later than usual, I faced an at-home job of prepping my floors for the laminate. I had a complete meltdown on Wednesday night. It was about midnight and I was trying to remove carpet from the stairs. I didn't have trouble removing it from the living room and dining room.

I was shocked at how the carpet installers must have been so determined that this carpet remain forever.

Removing carpet from these stairs was comparable to child birth. My gloved hands were pulling with all their might. I was using all of my body weight as leverage, but the thousands of staples popped out slowly and painfully one by one. Halfway through I began to weep. I was exhausted. I felt that I was completely justified in skipping my morning run. I almost quit. Then I laughed. I couldn't believe that I was letting this dirty old carpet get me down. With a determined restart, I yanked and yanked again and again. By 1 in the morning, I had the carpet and pad out and was prying up the tack strips. I was a hero in my own eyes, LOL. At 7:15 am, the real heros arrived to lay the gorgeous floor. When I returned from work nine hours later, I almost teared up at how beautiful it looked. Again, I felt the childbirth analogy take hold. Both the pain and misery of the night before were totally worth it. The floor is WOW and I never thought I would be a part of something so amazing.

Yes, the female hamsters who eat their newborns when the bones are still soft are pretty smart in some respects. I'd love to hear their reasoning. Is it the misery of pregnancy or the pain of labor that drives them to devour the helpless ones. Or do the hamsters see into the future? Child rearing is not easy. However, I wouldn't trade it for anything. It is trying, exhausting and messy BUT it is BEAUTIFUL!!

I still need to paint and reattach the baseboards and paint the orange-y oak cabinets white just like I still need to get my kids through teenage years and help them pay for college. I love my kids. I really like my developing home. I love my kids (I just said that, huh?)

Antelope Island

The girls helped me with the yard today so we could hurry and get out to the island. While I was emptying the mulch bag from the lawn mower, E asked, "Mom, do you like pretending to be the dad by mowing the lawn?" I laughed and responded, "Even if we had a daddy living at our house, I would love to take my turn with the grass cutting!!" I think sometimes this 5 yr old of mine worries about me.
We packed a picnic and drove 14 minutes to the island. They love it!! We love it!! We usually drive around looking for buffalo and then park the car and hike down to the beach.
We have always had the beach to ourselves, but today there were lots of tourists. Having enjoyed the beautiful shore before, we were prepared with towels, a large blanket, swim suits and drinks. The tourists reach the shoreline with nothing but cameras. Oh, how I would have loved to have a camera today!!! I bought a nice camera in Malaysia and I have it here in the US with me, but, unfortunately the battery charger has a Malaysian electrical plug. I haven't found a store here which carries the right adapter.
The tourists were from various parts of the US, Russia, Mexico and Brazil. It was nice to use my Portuguese a bit today with the Brazilian family. I am terribly rusty though--I could tell they were thinking "Oh come on already, just speak English with us".
The tourists were mostly in jeans and shirts with long sleeves. Some rolled up their pant legs and waded a bit. Some just stood there watching my girls play in the sand for a little bit before they started taking photos of their loved ones on the shore. I wish that I would have just asked someone to take my girls pictures and then email them to us.
Next week I will buy a camera.
The 3/4 mile hike back to the car is a bit difficult, but we do it the same everytime. E is a trooper and collects rocks while humming or singing pleasantly to herself. K becomes whiny after short distances and insists on riding on my shoulders for longer stretches. Today I had quite a bit in my huge backpack plus E's rock collection was too large for her to carry so she stopped me occasionally to add more into the pack. I really felt a bit shaky and faint when we finally made it to the van and I took off the huge pack and the 30 pound 3 yr old. I was dehydrated. Yesterday, I watched my brother's kids along with mine and I didn't drink enough water throughout the day. Six kids keep you pretty busy and easily distracted.