Self-Esteem and God-Esteem

As a teenager, I spoke in church about the difference between the world's understanding of self-esteem and spiritual self-confidence. Well, even though I truly believed that I knew everything about life by the time I was a teenager, I have had some life experiences teach me a lot more than I knew then. ;-)
I believe there is something more important than self-esteem and I'll call it God-esteem. This comes when a person realizes and accepts the fact that God loves him/her just because. The person didn't do anything to win God's approval, but His Love is illustrated in the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ. We are motivated to love and serve Him because He loves us so very much.
Having God-Esteem is a priceless gift in your relationships with others.
I've been reading about Bernard of Clairvaux who taught about levels of love. He was a French monk who lived almost one thousand years ago.
First Level: to love myself solely-- not interested in others.
Second Level (not much better than level one): to love you for my sake
This love is selfish as we use someone for gain, comfort or convenience.
HERE'S A BIG JUMP TO THE THIRD LEVEL
Third Level: to love you for your sake
This form if love respects the other person. This love wants good things for the other and looks out for another's interest. This love sounds great! Here we would see mutual respect and service to the needs of others. Most families would be thrilled to have everyone possessing this third level of love.
However we learn from the French monk that there is a higher level of love.
Fourth Level: to love myself for your sake
This is a self-respecting love that stems from God-esteem. When you recognize your worth in God's eyes and are filled with this love then you can give the best of yourself to those around you. You can deal with struggles, stress in the relationship and even disagreements because you don't fear personal rejection. Your identity as a Spiritual Child of God is secure. You are not dependent on your family for your sense of worth, but dependent on God.
Jesus taught that we are to love God and then to love our neighbor as ourselves. Monk Bernard's last level of love sounds like Christ's second great commandment. It is through the first great commandment that makes following the second commandment possible. We need God-Esteem.
This acceptance of high worth in God is a blessing to a family. When my worth and identity comes from God, then I don't have to get that from you. I think it's fantastic to be affirmed in a relationship, especially by family members, but having God-Esteem means that we are not devastated when relationships in marriage or children or step children or siblings don't affirm us or define our worth. I really can stand confidently in the face of your rejection or distancing because none of it will take away my worth.

Looking into the Soul

A few months ago I made a goal to look deeply into my daughters' eyes at least once everyday.

I noticed that by taking the time to look into their eyes while they were speaking to me or cuddling with me made those moments more intimate and meaningful. I found myself calling them to come to me instead of always having them instigate connections as I was busy with laundry, cooking or dishes.
Looking into their eyes allows me to be present, to truly listen and let them know that they are being heard. More importantly than this, I feel a spiritual bond being strengthened when I look into the windows of their souls. It makes daily interactions more loving.

Yesterday, the phone rang in my classroom as I was entering scores for report cards. The enthusiastic music teacher invited me to come to her room to hear my students perform. I gladly accepted the invitation. She does amazing work with these kids. I entered her room to see my students sitting crossed-legged holding drumsticks (not the kind that you eat). She led them in a 3 minute percussion performance. They were incredibly focused and in sync with each other. The performance was long enough that I was able to take a turn to look each student in the eyes. When they performed it a second time, I did the "hold a glance" experiment again and felt a huge wave of love come over me as I felt connected to each one of these beautiful children.

As a teacher I am constantly hearing myself say, "Eyes up here", "Look this way", "Watch me model this" and other demands for their eyes. Yesterday, it was beautiful to look into their eyes without teaching them or talking at them. I was able to look at them and think about how much I love them. Taking a turn to lock eyes with each as they proudly beat their drum was the most amazing experience that I've had all week.

It was such a simple thing to do and it brought immense joy. I wanted to try this experiment on a stranger, so at the grocery store last night, instead of busying myself, I looked right into the eyes of the cashier and found her looking right back at me. I made this brief connection with her -- through our eyes -- and the moment was powerful (for me at least). I recognized her as a caring, hard-working individual with a complicated life. I can't really describe the feelings that I felt, but it seemed that time stood still for a moment or two and I felt my heart grow.

This morning, in the bathroom mirror, I looked deeply into my own eyes and felt a little more love for myself even. What Joy!

It may feel a bit strange or silly to stare deeply into your own eyes, but I encourage all of you to try it. If you cannot do it, it may be a good idea to find out why it is difficult for you.

I look forward to more moments like these. I pray that I will remember to slow down and notice people. That I will look into their eyes and get a glimpse of their souls.

Patching Holes in roofs and in people

This morning after our dentist appointments, (Layton Hills Dental is awesome!!--Aunt Jess works there and everyone took such great care of my kids while I was getting my teeth cleaned) we went to the Home Depot for some roof sealant/tar stuff. On the drive home I was feeling a little anxious about getting up on the roof to do the simple patch job. I guess I noticed the dark clouds rolling in and the trees swaying in the strengthening wind. I pictured myself falling off the roof and thought I probably should have another adult at the house before I climb the ladder. Usually, when a tiny bit of wisdom creeps in, I am able to replace it with a wacked out thought. I only had to get on the back part of the house where there is a deck, so if I fall, I won't fall far. This wacked out thinking came out in a car conversation with my daughters. "Girls, I have to climb the ladder and get on top of the house to fix the place that is broken. It is going to rain soon, so I need to get up there fast so the water won't drip into our house. I need your help." (What idiot asks for roofing help from little girls?)
"Okay Mommy!!" "Yeah, we can help!"
"Well, I will open the gates to the back yard and and the front door of the house. If I fall down off of the roof, then you need to run to Emily's house, Austin's house or Sabrina's house to get help, then the ambulance can come and fix me if I get hurt."
"Okay"
PROBLEM SOLVED. Ready to fix the roof.
And then, as we pulled in the garage, Kamryn said, "I can save you momma" and Emerson said, "Yes, mom, we know where the bandaids are, we don't need to run to anybody's house!"

Oh dear.

I did end up climbing to the top of the ladder and putting the tools up on the roof. As I was ready to place my first foot on the surface of the roof, I looked down into my little girls smiling faces, (those were my would be lifesavers) and finally convinced myself that they could not save me and I was an idiot to think that this was a situation wherein I was using any logic.

We have to patch holes with the proper Savior.

In building new relationships, we have to be certain that we are not looking for other people to patch any holes in our lives.

I've had some interesting experiences since I started dating a month ago. I've been out with a few men and I'm already ready for a long break from dating. I really felt like the men were trying to patch holes in their lives with a woman. I'll hold the ladder for you, but I will not patch your life. I may know where the bandaids are, but you need more help than I can provide.

I am really glad that I did go out--it was something I had to get over.
For a while I was seriously afraid of men. When a man asked for my phone number or for a date or a dance I saw him as a potential controller (or worse, an abuser or a rapist). I don't feel this way at all anymore. Even though I don't put my complete trust in individuals, I do not fear them. Further along in my healing, I recognized that there are good men out there who have honest intents.
However, because I am loving life as it is now, I don't want to "mess" with it by adding a relationship. When I meet a friend who is all patched up and has his house in order, then I may want to spend time with him.

I am pretty protective of my time anyway. I really felt like I wasted a bit of time with dates when I could have been enjoying tickle time and bedtime stories with my girls, exercising, or doing spiritual work (with scripture study, journaling, prayer and meditation). I crave all of those things. I do not yet crave companionship.
And besides, I'm kind of crushing on a couple of ancient prophets right now. I love Jacob and Moroni.

Hopefully this helps someone out there

Before even typing this out I want to apologize because I'm about to expose my crazy thinking. Some of my friends have told their friends about my experiences and some have visited my blog. I don't know if I have helped anyone, but I want to share something that I have recently worked through and hopefully it may help other women out there.

When a woman finally gets separated or hopefully divorced from an abusive spouse it can be really exciting. Slowly, she starts to gain confidence and a feeling of control. She has an amazing freedom because she no longer needs to do all that she can to please someone who will not be happy or pleased. Her energy can support her self and her children. It really is an amazing feeling. Many abused women try unsuccessfully to separate from partners several times before they actually go through with it. People who have never experienced spousal abuse don't understand the reasons that the women let the men back into their lives.

Anyway, if you know someone who needs to get out--you cannot force them out or you become an additional controller in their already controlled life. You can be there, listen and talk. Make observations and share ideas of how you want to help. If you try to force a decision--you run the risk of this woman isolating herself from you and others who may be lifesavers.

Because of the joys that have come from NOT being in an abusive relationship any longer--I have had crazy plans that I will NEVER have to be in a relationship again. For some reason, in my damaged thinking, I have considered ALL "relationships" to be horrible and destructive. Crazy thinking, right?
I have blogged a little bit about preparing to date again. In reality, I haven't wanted to "prepare to date" because I haven't had a desire to ever remarry. Yes, I realize that there are cultures in the world that date, have fun and never marry. I don't belong to one of those cultures. In the LDS culture, we date to find a marriage partner.
I didn't want to accept dates because I felt it would be dishonest to waste someone's time when I had decided that I would not marry again.

Well, I am happy to report that I am really starting to believe that there are men out there who bring happiness to their wives. I know that my married friends have been telling me this, but I really needed to gain my own faith it in. I absolutely love The Book of Mormon (ancient record of the indigenous people on the North and South American continent). Lately, I have been scuba diving through Ether and feeling the weight of the doctrine begin to change my attitude. This attitude change gives me some faith in this area of trusting men and believing that a normal, healthy relationship is possible. Ether 12 is the chapter where Moroni recounts all the wonders and marvels done by faith and why we are given weaknesses. Through this study, prayer and jounaling of my sometimes, CRAZY Thinking, I am beginning to believe that someday I can be part of a loving relationship. This thinking feels great and healthier that my previous thinking.

So, if this helps you understand the crazy process that your friends may be going through, then I am thrilled. If this only gave you a little glimpse into my crazy thoughts, then, well, I guess I am thrilled for the opportunity to entertain you. Have a great one!!