Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hopefully this helps someone out there

Before even typing this out I want to apologize because I'm about to expose my crazy thinking. Some of my friends have told their friends about my experiences and some have visited my blog. I don't know if I have helped anyone, but I want to share something that I have recently worked through and hopefully it may help other women out there.

When a woman finally gets separated or hopefully divorced from an abusive spouse it can be really exciting. Slowly, she starts to gain confidence and a feeling of control. She has an amazing freedom because she no longer needs to do all that she can to please someone who will not be happy or pleased. Her energy can support her self and her children. It really is an amazing feeling. Many abused women try unsuccessfully to separate from partners several times before they actually go through with it. People who have never experienced spousal abuse don't understand the reasons that the women let the men back into their lives.

Anyway, if you know someone who needs to get out--you cannot force them out or you become an additional controller in their already controlled life. You can be there, listen and talk. Make observations and share ideas of how you want to help. If you try to force a decision--you run the risk of this woman isolating herself from you and others who may be lifesavers.

Because of the joys that have come from NOT being in an abusive relationship any longer--I have had crazy plans that I will NEVER have to be in a relationship again. For some reason, in my damaged thinking, I have considered ALL "relationships" to be horrible and destructive. Crazy thinking, right?
I have blogged a little bit about preparing to date again. In reality, I haven't wanted to "prepare to date" because I haven't had a desire to ever remarry. Yes, I realize that there are cultures in the world that date, have fun and never marry. I don't belong to one of those cultures. In the LDS culture, we date to find a marriage partner.
I didn't want to accept dates because I felt it would be dishonest to waste someone's time when I had decided that I would not marry again.

Well, I am happy to report that I am really starting to believe that there are men out there who bring happiness to their wives. I know that my married friends have been telling me this, but I really needed to gain my own faith it in. I absolutely love The Book of Mormon (ancient record of the indigenous people on the North and South American continent). Lately, I have been scuba diving through Ether and feeling the weight of the doctrine begin to change my attitude. This attitude change gives me some faith in this area of trusting men and believing that a normal, healthy relationship is possible. Ether 12 is the chapter where Moroni recounts all the wonders and marvels done by faith and why we are given weaknesses. Through this study, prayer and jounaling of my sometimes, CRAZY Thinking, I am beginning to believe that someday I can be part of a loving relationship. This thinking feels great and healthier that my previous thinking.

So, if this helps you understand the crazy process that your friends may be going through, then I am thrilled. If this only gave you a little glimpse into my crazy thoughts, then, well, I guess I am thrilled for the opportunity to entertain you. Have a great one!!


  1. Shantelle, I had no idea! I'm so glad I got out of my abusive situation before I had kids and before so much damage was done. I was so miserable and it took a long time to get back to dating and feeling comfortable in that type of situation. Even with my first marriage being abusive, I was able to find love again and have been happily married for 10 years now. I'm glad you are more open to that possibility sometime in the future! You are a great example to many (myself included). Hang in there, not all men are scumbags!
    Lori Farnsworth

  2. Shantelle! I love you! I'm so proud of your progress and that you have an open mind.
    The great thing is you get to live your life exactly how you want it. If another relationship is right for you great. If it isn't - then that's great too.
    There are some really great men out there. I have one. :)
    You are so wonderful!
    Cousin Lori

  3. Shan, you are an amazing person. I love that you are always smiling and happy. You are an inspiration!