Preparing him for someone else

I was given excellent advice from Brother VanShaar as I was ending my mission and heading home. He said, "Sister Dunroe as you date and seek out a marriage partner, please choose a priesthood leader not a project." I hurts me that I remember so well the best advice that I didn't take.

I began dating 30 months after my marriage ended, 8 months after the divorce was final. I was an emotional mess and put off dating. Finally, after lots of healing had taken place, I took the plunge. I didn't feel ready or have a huge desire to date, but I had a nagging feeling that it was time to go for it.

In that time, I have been out with 15 guys and dated 6 for an extended period. It seemed like 5 of those were priesthood leaders, but all were ALSO projects. They had really been broken by the previous women in their lives. 5 of them have thanked me repeatedly for boosting their confidence, making them feel attractive and worthy of a fantastic partner. One even called me his hero when I said that I no longer wanted to develop our relationship. It was a little weird, but it has gotten me thinking. At first I was resentful that I had used my precious time to provide free emotional therapy to these men that I would no longer date. I WAS COACHING THEM FOR THEIR FUTURE WIVES ;-)

My attitude and perspective have been changing (thankfully). The last couple of days have been really enlightening.

I started to open my heart to the women who may be investing time in the man I will marry and

I scratched out this letter to those ladies as I sat in the parking lot after a temple session today:

Dear Dating Ladies,

Thank you my sisters for not playing games with him. Thank you for building him up and making him feel proud to be with you. Thank you for being direct with him if he hurts your feelings or lets you down. Pouting is pointless and tantrums are ridiculous. Thank you for making him feel attractive, but not tossing meaningless affection his way. Thank you for listening to him and the details about his family and life. I really appreciate that you do not add stress and drama or prattle on and on about problems in your own life. Mostly, I appreciate that you encourage him to attend the temple often and hold significant family home evenings with his kids. If you are currently studying the scriptures with him--I will love you forever! And have fun!! Laugh lots, but recognize, please, that he won't be yours forever. It's okay to let him go when he meets me.

love,

Your Friend

Fools Rush In

I have a ton of cute pictures to post of my girls and our adventures, but I am mainly typing tonight about my skill with (problem with) falling in love. I have been working to gain more charity over the past couple of months and it’s been amazing.

There was a time a few years ago when my heart had been hurt and I felt looked down upon and other junk that seemed to prevent me from loving normally. At this time in my life, my heart was small and hardened and located deep inside. Now, my heart is softer. It seems like my heart is actually moving to the front of my chest and growing. I think of the animated Grinch changing his heart and it actually growing 3 times.

I’ve had some tender experiences lately. I won’t go into too much detail, but many mornings I wake with a specific person on my mind and I sense a huge amount of love. On the 4th of July I woke thinking of my sweet sister-in-law who lost her dad when it seemed he was only in the middle of his life. I hurt for her. My eyes swelled up with tears as I thought of the dear man that her kids would not know personally as their grandpa. I had experienced feelings of love for her before, but this specific morning, I literally ached for her and loved her 10 times more than I ever had. Another morning, a neighbor flashed into my mind. She’s a breast cancer survivor and I’ve been getting to know her better. This achy, full heart beat for her and what she has been through. Yet another morning, I actually hurt for the ex-wife of the man that I was dating. I knew things had become so difficult in their marriage that it must have seemed impossible to erase the hurt. While, I have been so grateful for these small experiences to help me more fully appreciate the Savior’s love, I have to be honest when I say it has interrupted my morning routine. One morning as I was feeling the love for someone, I actually was sobbing during the drive. It took me a few minutes to get control of my emotions before entering the bank. I knew my eyes were puffy and red, but I really had to get on with my day.

I am reminded of a modern day romantic comedy starring Steve Carrel in Dan in Real Life. Dan is frustrated because his 13 year old daughter, Cara, feels like she is completely in love. Her would-be boyfriend explains to Dan that “love is not a feeling, it’s an ability”.

While Dan is putting teenage Marty into a car to be taken away from Cara:

Dan: Look, I'm not your parent, but I should warn you: love is a dangerous feeling.
Marty: No sir.
Dan: Are you arguing with me?
Marty: No, I'm....It's just that...[speaks spanish]. Love is not a feeling, it's an ability.
Dan: Who told you that?
Marty: I made it up Mr. Burns.

While watching Cara weep at seeing her boyfriend banished:

Marie: It's sweet.
Dan: What's sweet? How is that sweet?
Marie: To be so certain; to feel that much love...
Dan: Love. Love isn't a feeling.
Marie: No?
Dan: It's an ability.
Marie: Well, if that's true, you have one gifted daughter!
Cara: YOU ARE A MURDERER OF LOVE!

That evening at the talent show:

Aunt 1: Dan, what's your talent?
Dan: Murderer of Love.

The irony in the film is that Dan ends up falling in love with Marie more quickly than Cara fell for Marty.

Recently, I have dated some really good guys. It’s been an honor to get to know them and a couple of them have actually liked the dating rules that I use to keep me safe and comfortable.

I fell in love with one man and I announced on facebook that we were exclusive within a few hours of our Define the Relationship talk. I realized that I looked foolish, but I couldn’t hold back what I felt. There’s always excitement at the hope of a successful match, but this has been very different. It’s like I really care about him more than I care about myself and that really frightens me. He loves my dating rules and has been a perfect gentleman. I felt really safe physically and emotionally. After a few weeks, I’m realizing that this runaway train of connectedness and love needs to come to a full stop. Loving this man is more than interrupting my morning routine, it could really mess with this lovely life on the cobblestone path with my girls that I have been working on. ;-) So once again I step away from a relationship. Seriously though, I embrace this break from twitterpation and invite my brain cells to start functioning again. Apparently, I need to start praying for more logic now that I’m getting this “how to love” skill down. Maybe my brain will start enlarging and I can look like a conehead.

On Biking and Dating

Getting out of the comfort zone on a bike--"It's not courage if you're not scared"
The "scary" narrow trail ;-)
Aaaahhh the freedom and comfort of the wide road--time to experiment and learn about this biking thing.

DATING IS SO MUCH LIKE BIKING at least for me, at this time in my journey.

The comparison seems so clear in my head and in my heart, but I don’t know how effectively I can communicate the similarities.

I have wanted to become a mountain biker ever since I got addicted to indoor biking classes about 5 months ago. I bought the bike 3 months ago, but really only took it around the neighborhood until now.

I’ve been divorced for a while now. I didn’t even think about dating until 6 months ago when I started getting asked out at singles’ events. I went out a few times with a few decent guys who had never married. I decided I would probably wait ten years or so before dating again.

The bike, in my garage, had been calling to me as the weather improved. I started venturing out further and finally tried the Legacy Parkway with a friend. This straight stretch of paved trail protects the biker from traffic and offers decent scenery through west Davis County. You can bike side by side and visit except for the occasional times that you need to pass joggers. I started falling in love with biking and was ready to let rides become more frequent and more intense.

The dating hadn’t been calling to me, but as I attended more social events, I did have a desire to build friendships and find others who would like to run or bike with me and have singleness in common. Also, when co-workers or friends asked if I would meet their neighbor, relative, or friend I said, “Maybe or sure” instead of “not yet”. One thing I was sure of, I had my comfortable rules that I wanted to keep. I wanted to get to know people in group settings or fitness activities before venturing into typical dating situations.

Tonight I went to actually mountain bike in the hills outside of Park City. I found myself feeling a little uncertain about the incline of this big hill. It got so much worse though when I completely froze upon seeing the amount of people in my group and the narrow trail that we would use to get to the top. I pictured myself clumsily knocking over (because I'm still learning about this bike and gears in general). I saw a clear picture of me falling and causing a domino effect for the rest of my new biker friends.

I could not do it.

However, I did drive all the way to Park City and I wanted to bike.

So I did bike to the top--I just took the wide paved road instead. The climb was difficult, but I felt so secure on the wide road. This gave me a chance, on my own, to test out the gears and learn when to change them.

I still feel like I am not ready for real mountain biking but I’m going to try it again and again until I’m ready for the narrow trail in a line of bikers. Until then I will bike the wider trails and enjoy rides for myself. I’m still really excited about indoor biking and playing around in the outdoor scene--why rush it?

A couple of weeks ago I had a fitness activity scheduled with a nice guy. Unfortunately, the weather didn’t allow for our bike ride, so we went to eat instead. I found him so easy to talk with, however, I would have preferred talking with him from the safety of a bike side by side instead of having to look directly at him. You see, he smiled a lot and I liked it. Well, within a week, we had spent more time together in dating situations and I started freaking out. Did I like this guy? yep. Did I feel like I was excited about the idea of not dating a bunch of new people, but just sticking with a great guy? Absolutely.

I could not do it.

However I do know that I need to not be afraid of dating and I do want to eventually remarry--it's pretty important to date before getting married ;-)

I had to create more safety for myself. I let him know that I had issues and needed more time in between dates. He reacted strangely with the structure I was setting and it turned weird, but I wasn’t going to change how I felt about my safety and healing. He said he may call in a couple of months. I told him I wished the best for him, but when I hung up I felt amazingly relieved. It should have been harder to lose a new friend, but it needed to happen that way. I still feel like I’m not ready for real dating, but I’m going to try it again and again until I’m ready for a steady relationship. Until then, I will probably remain a bit guarded and I will never allow someone else to tell me how I should be healing more quickly or dating before I’m ready. I’m still really excited about being single--why rush it?

An App for serial daters

I'm not a serial dater, but I have been increasing my dating frequency. For those of you who have read some of my posts, you know that I have some interesting procedures (rules) for my dating practice. It gives me confidence and control over situations and I love it. One such procedure is that I don't go out with the same person unless I have done at least a quick lunch date or some other social event with a different guy. I don't want to get serious with one person too soon AND I feel like I'm learning a lot from new friends. I dated a bit earlier this year and wasn't impressed with anyone in particular. Recently though I have been quite impressed with someone, so I've been out with other guys in between the dates with Mr. Impressive. A week ago a coworker asked me if I would meet her neighbor. The next day she brought her husband in to work to meet me. Apparently, he and this neighbor have been close buddies since 2nd grade, so I had to pass his approval. I guess I passed because we went to a BBQ at the friend's house.
It was really fun. They are great people. I'm really glad that we went (yeah, I took my girls). I was really proud of Emerson for being kind and accepting even though some were drinking adult beverages.
Anyway, as I was getting to know this new guy, my brain hit overload. I was getting new info about his interests, family and career all jumbled up with info from 3 or 4 guys that I have recently met.

I remembered what Mr. Impressive had suggested that there needs to be a dating app that helps you store info on new acquaintances so you don't fumble (like I did with Mr Impressive) and mix up facts about a different guy. Before date number 3 or 4, you just pull up the info and study up so you look like you can manage important info about important people.

So all you app creators out there--get back to work :-). Your genius is apprecated.

Patching Holes in roofs and in people

This morning after our dentist appointments, (Layton Hills Dental is awesome!!--Aunt Jess works there and everyone took such great care of my kids while I was getting my teeth cleaned) we went to the Home Depot for some roof sealant/tar stuff. On the drive home I was feeling a little anxious about getting up on the roof to do the simple patch job. I guess I noticed the dark clouds rolling in and the trees swaying in the strengthening wind. I pictured myself falling off the roof and thought I probably should have another adult at the house before I climb the ladder. Usually, when a tiny bit of wisdom creeps in, I am able to replace it with a wacked out thought. I only had to get on the back part of the house where there is a deck, so if I fall, I won't fall far. This wacked out thinking came out in a car conversation with my daughters. "Girls, I have to climb the ladder and get on top of the house to fix the place that is broken. It is going to rain soon, so I need to get up there fast so the water won't drip into our house. I need your help." (What idiot asks for roofing help from little girls?)
"Okay Mommy!!" "Yeah, we can help!"
"Well, I will open the gates to the back yard and and the front door of the house. If I fall down off of the roof, then you need to run to Emily's house, Austin's house or Sabrina's house to get help, then the ambulance can come and fix me if I get hurt."
"Okay"
PROBLEM SOLVED. Ready to fix the roof.
And then, as we pulled in the garage, Kamryn said, "I can save you momma" and Emerson said, "Yes, mom, we know where the bandaids are, we don't need to run to anybody's house!"

Oh dear.

I did end up climbing to the top of the ladder and putting the tools up on the roof. As I was ready to place my first foot on the surface of the roof, I looked down into my little girls smiling faces, (those were my would be lifesavers) and finally convinced myself that they could not save me and I was an idiot to think that this was a situation wherein I was using any logic.

We have to patch holes with the proper Savior.

In building new relationships, we have to be certain that we are not looking for other people to patch any holes in our lives.

I've had some interesting experiences since I started dating a month ago. I've been out with a few men and I'm already ready for a long break from dating. I really felt like the men were trying to patch holes in their lives with a woman. I'll hold the ladder for you, but I will not patch your life. I may know where the bandaids are, but you need more help than I can provide.

I am really glad that I did go out--it was something I had to get over.
For a while I was seriously afraid of men. When a man asked for my phone number or for a date or a dance I saw him as a potential controller (or worse, an abuser or a rapist). I don't feel this way at all anymore. Even though I don't put my complete trust in individuals, I do not fear them. Further along in my healing, I recognized that there are good men out there who have honest intents.
However, because I am loving life as it is now, I don't want to "mess" with it by adding a relationship. When I meet a friend who is all patched up and has his house in order, then I may want to spend time with him.

I am pretty protective of my time anyway. I really felt like I wasted a bit of time with dates when I could have been enjoying tickle time and bedtime stories with my girls, exercising, or doing spiritual work (with scripture study, journaling, prayer and meditation). I crave all of those things. I do not yet crave companionship.
And besides, I'm kind of crushing on a couple of ancient prophets right now. I love Jacob and Moroni.

Hopefully this helps someone out there

Before even typing this out I want to apologize because I'm about to expose my crazy thinking. Some of my friends have told their friends about my experiences and some have visited my blog. I don't know if I have helped anyone, but I want to share something that I have recently worked through and hopefully it may help other women out there.

When a woman finally gets separated or hopefully divorced from an abusive spouse it can be really exciting. Slowly, she starts to gain confidence and a feeling of control. She has an amazing freedom because she no longer needs to do all that she can to please someone who will not be happy or pleased. Her energy can support her self and her children. It really is an amazing feeling. Many abused women try unsuccessfully to separate from partners several times before they actually go through with it. People who have never experienced spousal abuse don't understand the reasons that the women let the men back into their lives.

Anyway, if you know someone who needs to get out--you cannot force them out or you become an additional controller in their already controlled life. You can be there, listen and talk. Make observations and share ideas of how you want to help. If you try to force a decision--you run the risk of this woman isolating herself from you and others who may be lifesavers.

Because of the joys that have come from NOT being in an abusive relationship any longer--I have had crazy plans that I will NEVER have to be in a relationship again. For some reason, in my damaged thinking, I have considered ALL "relationships" to be horrible and destructive. Crazy thinking, right?
I have blogged a little bit about preparing to date again. In reality, I haven't wanted to "prepare to date" because I haven't had a desire to ever remarry. Yes, I realize that there are cultures in the world that date, have fun and never marry. I don't belong to one of those cultures. In the LDS culture, we date to find a marriage partner.
I didn't want to accept dates because I felt it would be dishonest to waste someone's time when I had decided that I would not marry again.

Well, I am happy to report that I am really starting to believe that there are men out there who bring happiness to their wives. I know that my married friends have been telling me this, but I really needed to gain my own faith it in. I absolutely love The Book of Mormon (ancient record of the indigenous people on the North and South American continent). Lately, I have been scuba diving through Ether and feeling the weight of the doctrine begin to change my attitude. This attitude change gives me some faith in this area of trusting men and believing that a normal, healthy relationship is possible. Ether 12 is the chapter where Moroni recounts all the wonders and marvels done by faith and why we are given weaknesses. Through this study, prayer and jounaling of my sometimes, CRAZY Thinking, I am beginning to believe that someday I can be part of a loving relationship. This thinking feels great and healthier that my previous thinking.

So, if this helps you understand the crazy process that your friends may be going through, then I am thrilled. If this only gave you a little glimpse into my crazy thoughts, then, well, I guess I am thrilled for the opportunity to entertain you. Have a great one!!