Self-Esteem and God-Esteem

As a teenager, I spoke in church about the difference between the world's understanding of self-esteem and spiritual self-confidence. Well, even though I truly believed that I knew everything about life by the time I was a teenager, I have had some life experiences teach me a lot more than I knew then. ;-)
I believe there is something more important than self-esteem and I'll call it God-esteem. This comes when a person realizes and accepts the fact that God loves him/her just because. The person didn't do anything to win God's approval, but His Love is illustrated in the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ. We are motivated to love and serve Him because He loves us so very much.
Having God-Esteem is a priceless gift in your relationships with others.
I've been reading about Bernard of Clairvaux who taught about levels of love. He was a French monk who lived almost one thousand years ago.
First Level: to love myself solely-- not interested in others.
Second Level (not much better than level one): to love you for my sake
This love is selfish as we use someone for gain, comfort or convenience.
HERE'S A BIG JUMP TO THE THIRD LEVEL
Third Level: to love you for your sake
This form if love respects the other person. This love wants good things for the other and looks out for another's interest. This love sounds great! Here we would see mutual respect and service to the needs of others. Most families would be thrilled to have everyone possessing this third level of love.
However we learn from the French monk that there is a higher level of love.
Fourth Level: to love myself for your sake
This is a self-respecting love that stems from God-esteem. When you recognize your worth in God's eyes and are filled with this love then you can give the best of yourself to those around you. You can deal with struggles, stress in the relationship and even disagreements because you don't fear personal rejection. Your identity as a Spiritual Child of God is secure. You are not dependent on your family for your sense of worth, but dependent on God.
Jesus taught that we are to love God and then to love our neighbor as ourselves. Monk Bernard's last level of love sounds like Christ's second great commandment. It is through the first great commandment that makes following the second commandment possible. We need God-Esteem.
This acceptance of high worth in God is a blessing to a family. When my worth and identity comes from God, then I don't have to get that from you. I think it's fantastic to be affirmed in a relationship, especially by family members, but having God-Esteem means that we are not devastated when relationships in marriage or children or step children or siblings don't affirm us or define our worth. I really can stand confidently in the face of your rejection or distancing because none of it will take away my worth.

Looking into the Soul

A few months ago I made a goal to look deeply into my daughters' eyes at least once everyday.

I noticed that by taking the time to look into their eyes while they were speaking to me or cuddling with me made those moments more intimate and meaningful. I found myself calling them to come to me instead of always having them instigate connections as I was busy with laundry, cooking or dishes.
Looking into their eyes allows me to be present, to truly listen and let them know that they are being heard. More importantly than this, I feel a spiritual bond being strengthened when I look into the windows of their souls. It makes daily interactions more loving.

Yesterday, the phone rang in my classroom as I was entering scores for report cards. The enthusiastic music teacher invited me to come to her room to hear my students perform. I gladly accepted the invitation. She does amazing work with these kids. I entered her room to see my students sitting crossed-legged holding drumsticks (not the kind that you eat). She led them in a 3 minute percussion performance. They were incredibly focused and in sync with each other. The performance was long enough that I was able to take a turn to look each student in the eyes. When they performed it a second time, I did the "hold a glance" experiment again and felt a huge wave of love come over me as I felt connected to each one of these beautiful children.

As a teacher I am constantly hearing myself say, "Eyes up here", "Look this way", "Watch me model this" and other demands for their eyes. Yesterday, it was beautiful to look into their eyes without teaching them or talking at them. I was able to look at them and think about how much I love them. Taking a turn to lock eyes with each as they proudly beat their drum was the most amazing experience that I've had all week.

It was such a simple thing to do and it brought immense joy. I wanted to try this experiment on a stranger, so at the grocery store last night, instead of busying myself, I looked right into the eyes of the cashier and found her looking right back at me. I made this brief connection with her -- through our eyes -- and the moment was powerful (for me at least). I recognized her as a caring, hard-working individual with a complicated life. I can't really describe the feelings that I felt, but it seemed that time stood still for a moment or two and I felt my heart grow.

This morning, in the bathroom mirror, I looked deeply into my own eyes and felt a little more love for myself even. What Joy!

It may feel a bit strange or silly to stare deeply into your own eyes, but I encourage all of you to try it. If you cannot do it, it may be a good idea to find out why it is difficult for you.

I look forward to more moments like these. I pray that I will remember to slow down and notice people. That I will look into their eyes and get a glimpse of their souls.

What's Scarier than Falling? Blending

I took an intermediate level painting class in college. I had recently earned a bunch of ART credits by taking a Portuguese written assessment and by resubmitting my AP Art History test score from high school. I just needed this painting class to meet the BA requirement and graduate. I should have been in Beginning Watercolor, but it wasn't offered my last semester. I had to get permission to be in the class with the real art students. Getting these last 2 ART credits was the easiest way to get a BA instead of going the BS route and would allow me to graduate ahead of schedule.

I liked painting, but I was no where near good enough to succeed at the "collegiate" level and I really didn't want this class to taint my GPA. After moving through some fairly easy assignments, the professor required us to paint something with difficult colors warning us that if we didn't paint properly, we would end up with a muddy mess. I painted with 2 of the difficult colors he allowed--red and green. Red and green together make muddy brown. I was so careful. There's only one tiny part of my painting that is muddy. I was pleased with my work, but it took a long long time. I still remember the pleasantly shocked look on his face when I presented my painting of a red apple on a green and yellow background. He told me, "Wow! I didn't know you had it in you! You took risks and it tuned out okay."

A while back, I poured my heart out about being scared to fall in love. He is an intelligent, hard working, kind, loving man. I had been afraid that I would love too much and get hurt in the end. It turns out that falling can be really fun if you have a partner that's falling in love right along with you.
Now, as we prepare to blend our lives together, the blending of our families is what scares me. I've heard of others' experiences with step children and step mothers and ex wives and realize that ours will be different. Different doesn't mean easy. Blending families can't be easy for anyone involved. I am so grateful to have a partner right along side of me as we begin the challenging process of blending.
This weekend my girls will get to have more time with him and Emerson, more than Kamryn, realizes that he and I may eventually marry. She sees him differently now than she did when she met him casually in September. She's texted him a few times and is pretty thrilled for his upcoming arrival.
His kids are excited to get to know me, my girls are excited to get to know him--but just like the "excitement" with new love--there will be many other feelings to experience. Here's to the hope, faith and charity we will need to blend these kids as carefully as possible. In the end, I hope to hear something similar to: "I knew you had it in you! You took risks and it tuned out beautifully."

Falling is sometimes scary

The only ride that I hate at our local amusement park is the Rocket Re-Entry. There are 2 Rocket rides. One blasts you off 200 feet into the air quickly (within 3 seconds) and then you are let down at a slower speed.

The other Rocket Ride is horrible and works in the opposite direction.

Here is the description from Lagoon's website: "Guests are slowly raised to the top of the 200 foot tower in approximately 20 -25 seconds and then blasted downward."

Blasted is correct.

"As they near the bottom of the tower, they enjoy several cushioned bounces."

Enjoy is not correct. (For me at least)

I went on this ride only once and I cried like a baby for several minutes afterwards. I was 24 at the time and terrified, but in a social setting with single guys and I really tried to pull myself together. I was a mess. I vowed never to do it again.

Falling is scary.

Falling in love is terrifying.

I have been happy to meet new guy friends and had fun dating for the past 6 months. I made a few really good friends and learned a lot from quality individuals.

There were many many nights as I journaled, studied and prayed at the end of the day that I tried to plan and negotiate ways to stay single forever. To date and have friends, but to not get too attached to anyone.

I was afraid of falling in love.

We have had season passes to Lagoon this year. My girls have a few favorite rides. One of their favorites is called the Dinosaur Drop. It is a vertical drop tower ride, but on a smaller scale. The rider only gets to "enjoy" the feeling of dropping to her death from 40 feet, not 200 feet.

I went on this Dinosaur Drop at the beginning of the summer ONLY because I thought that I was required to accompany the little girls. Tears came to my eyes and I hated it, but I didn't completely lose it and I was not an official mess.

For the past couple of months the girls have ridden the Dinosaur Drop without me, but this last weekend, they really wanted me to join them. You know what, I didn't HATE it this time. I didn't exactly LOVE it, but I almost thought it was fun.

A couple of months ago, a certain man really stood out. Not only is he super handsome, but he's an incredible father to his 5 kids. I tried not to get too impressed, but he is pretty amazing. I tried to convince myself that I could prevent myself from falling in love with him. Looking back I can see why I did this. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to fall, get hurt and then become a mess.

I was happy being single and I felt very safe physically and emotionally.

I knew from the start that this man would keep me safe physically, but I thought that I wasn't yet willing to allow myself emotional hurt. I still feel like he is out of my league in many areas. However, I am willing to risk the potential hurt because he makes me a better, happier person.

If I can handle the risk of the Dinosaur Drop, I can do almost anything. Yeah, right!!?!!

Someday I may even get married again, but that's as scary as the Rocket Re-entry ride don't you think?

She's helping me become what I can become

Two months ago I was being challenged repeatedly by my eldest. She was driving me to exhaustion in parenting. She was generally well-behaved but occasionally turned defiant and extremely irritating to her little sister and to me. One Sunday in church she was so naughty during the sacrament that I started to cry. She stared at me and then, get this, laughed at me. That afternoon, the girls took a nap and I turned to read the ancient account of the ressurrected Savior visiting the inhabitants of Ancient America. At this particular part that I felt I needed to re-read, He called the little children to Him. He ministered to them and blessed them one by one. I felt that I needed to read that part to remember how much He loves them and how much I should feel honored to take care of His little ones. (Even when a particular little one nearly drives me crazy once a week)

That night I dreamed that I was in Ancient America, I was dressed like a Nephite Woman

and I was surrounded by a multitude of others excited by Christ’s appearance. He was calling the little ones to Him. I was thrilled. I don’t know where Kamryn was, but I know Emerson was with me, hand in hand, I would not let her go until she was blessed and healed. For some reason at the beginning of this dream I saw Emerson as being broken and needing to be “fixed”. I felt such an urgency to get her to the front of the line, but I was also trying to be patient with all the other good people around me. When it was finally her turn, He smiled at her and helped her sit on a big boulder for her blessing. As soon as she was settled, His eyes locked with mine and He didn’t release His smiling stare until the blessing was over. He blessed Emerson that she would learn how to love others by watching her mother. He blessed her that she would become obedient by watching her mother and that she would learn how to repent and to become what He knew she could become by watching her mother. I choked up and my heart jumped into my throat. I was shocked to realize how much I needed Emerson. I need her not to be fixed, but to help fix me. He knew I could do it. He knows I can love more, obey more and change more. He locked His eyes with mine to give me the hope and love that I need to move forward and parent with courage.

He was calling the Little Ones to Him. He calls us all to Him. We’re still Children.

He knows us. He loves us. We are His Children. He gives us what we need. Often we need our children much more than they need us. Emerson has been continuing to "fix" me and shape me into what I know, and He knows I can become.

Fools Rush In

I have a ton of cute pictures to post of my girls and our adventures, but I am mainly typing tonight about my skill with (problem with) falling in love. I have been working to gain more charity over the past couple of months and it’s been amazing.

There was a time a few years ago when my heart had been hurt and I felt looked down upon and other junk that seemed to prevent me from loving normally. At this time in my life, my heart was small and hardened and located deep inside. Now, my heart is softer. It seems like my heart is actually moving to the front of my chest and growing. I think of the animated Grinch changing his heart and it actually growing 3 times.

I’ve had some tender experiences lately. I won’t go into too much detail, but many mornings I wake with a specific person on my mind and I sense a huge amount of love. On the 4th of July I woke thinking of my sweet sister-in-law who lost her dad when it seemed he was only in the middle of his life. I hurt for her. My eyes swelled up with tears as I thought of the dear man that her kids would not know personally as their grandpa. I had experienced feelings of love for her before, but this specific morning, I literally ached for her and loved her 10 times more than I ever had. Another morning, a neighbor flashed into my mind. She’s a breast cancer survivor and I’ve been getting to know her better. This achy, full heart beat for her and what she has been through. Yet another morning, I actually hurt for the ex-wife of the man that I was dating. I knew things had become so difficult in their marriage that it must have seemed impossible to erase the hurt. While, I have been so grateful for these small experiences to help me more fully appreciate the Savior’s love, I have to be honest when I say it has interrupted my morning routine. One morning as I was feeling the love for someone, I actually was sobbing during the drive. It took me a few minutes to get control of my emotions before entering the bank. I knew my eyes were puffy and red, but I really had to get on with my day.

I am reminded of a modern day romantic comedy starring Steve Carrel in Dan in Real Life. Dan is frustrated because his 13 year old daughter, Cara, feels like she is completely in love. Her would-be boyfriend explains to Dan that “love is not a feeling, it’s an ability”.

While Dan is putting teenage Marty into a car to be taken away from Cara:

Dan: Look, I'm not your parent, but I should warn you: love is a dangerous feeling.
Marty: No sir.
Dan: Are you arguing with me?
Marty: No, I'm....It's just that...[speaks spanish]. Love is not a feeling, it's an ability.
Dan: Who told you that?
Marty: I made it up Mr. Burns.

While watching Cara weep at seeing her boyfriend banished:

Marie: It's sweet.
Dan: What's sweet? How is that sweet?
Marie: To be so certain; to feel that much love...
Dan: Love. Love isn't a feeling.
Marie: No?
Dan: It's an ability.
Marie: Well, if that's true, you have one gifted daughter!
Cara: YOU ARE A MURDERER OF LOVE!

That evening at the talent show:

Aunt 1: Dan, what's your talent?
Dan: Murderer of Love.

The irony in the film is that Dan ends up falling in love with Marie more quickly than Cara fell for Marty.

Recently, I have dated some really good guys. It’s been an honor to get to know them and a couple of them have actually liked the dating rules that I use to keep me safe and comfortable.

I fell in love with one man and I announced on facebook that we were exclusive within a few hours of our Define the Relationship talk. I realized that I looked foolish, but I couldn’t hold back what I felt. There’s always excitement at the hope of a successful match, but this has been very different. It’s like I really care about him more than I care about myself and that really frightens me. He loves my dating rules and has been a perfect gentleman. I felt really safe physically and emotionally. After a few weeks, I’m realizing that this runaway train of connectedness and love needs to come to a full stop. Loving this man is more than interrupting my morning routine, it could really mess with this lovely life on the cobblestone path with my girls that I have been working on. ;-) So once again I step away from a relationship. Seriously though, I embrace this break from twitterpation and invite my brain cells to start functioning again. Apparently, I need to start praying for more logic now that I’m getting this “how to love” skill down. Maybe my brain will start enlarging and I can look like a conehead.

Loving Their Dad

It’s amazing how much love a parent can have for his/her kids. I realize that it’s not easy to feel enormous love for kids when they are making messes, washing the laptop with hand sanitizer or throwing a tantrum. However, the love is there. Recently I have felt great love for the parents in the world who do not get to see their children often enough.

Tonight we went to an outdoor movie on our neighbor’s lawn. This neighbor is so much fun and I was thrilled to take my girls (after forcing them to take a late afternoon nap). We excitedly spread out our big blanket and then cuddled up together to watch Gnomeo and Juliet projected onto a white sheet hanging from the fence. There were four other families there too.

I remember this friend inviting us last summer and we didn’t end up going. I was feeling very “single” in a super “married” community. Somehow I had convinced myself that it would be awkward to go to an activity with a bunch of married people not related to me. Weird, I know, I can see how much I have grown up or wised up since then, but I also recognize how “different” we make ourselves feel sometimes. I remember feeling very “different” as a mother who worked outside of the home. I don’t feel that anymore. I feel very blessed to be able to support my family financially and extra blessed to have a job as a teacher so I can spend lots of time with my kids.

After living on the skirts of a rain forest for 2 years, you forget how clear desert skies take your breath away in day and in night. Tonight was really great. I felt so happy and as the night became darker, the stars exploded in the sky. The girls whispered excitedly, “Oh mom! Look at those stars!!” I smiled and snuggled them closer, but then a sharp sadness hit me.

Tears filled my eyes as I thought of their dad. He is missing this experience with them. In their short lives they haven’t had a whole lot of contact with him. When he told me earlier this week that he could only take them for a few hours on Father’s Day and not over night, I worried that they might feel badly. They didn’t seem upset; they’re just excited to take him the cards and painting that they have prepared. I have felt sorry for the girls--sorry that I don’t have a daily or weekly daddy for them.

Tonight though, was the first time that I felt so sorry for him--sorry that he was missing this memory. He has a lot going on right now and he may not feel sorry about missing memories, but sometime in the past or in the future he hurts. I hurt for him tonight.

It is amazing to me how the Lord works on us. There are times in our lives when we are turned inward and may feel “different”, but sometimes, okay many times, this feeling “different” prevents us from not only enjoying life but also from opening our perspective to others and seeing others’ pain and hurts. I haven’t been a fan of my ex-husband for various valid reasons, but lately I have been really praying diligently to see others in the way that Our Heavenly Father sees them. I’m no where near that level of love and I don’t have that amount of compassion, but it was incredible tonight to feel even a fraction of the love and concern that our Father must feel for their daddy.