Self-Esteem and God-Esteem

As a teenager, I spoke in church about the difference between the world's understanding of self-esteem and spiritual self-confidence. Well, even though I truly believed that I knew everything about life by the time I was a teenager, I have had some life experiences teach me a lot more than I knew then. ;-)
I believe there is something more important than self-esteem and I'll call it God-esteem. This comes when a person realizes and accepts the fact that God loves him/her just because. The person didn't do anything to win God's approval, but His Love is illustrated in the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ. We are motivated to love and serve Him because He loves us so very much.
Having God-Esteem is a priceless gift in your relationships with others.
I've been reading about Bernard of Clairvaux who taught about levels of love. He was a French monk who lived almost one thousand years ago.
First Level: to love myself solely-- not interested in others.
Second Level (not much better than level one): to love you for my sake
This love is selfish as we use someone for gain, comfort or convenience.
HERE'S A BIG JUMP TO THE THIRD LEVEL
Third Level: to love you for your sake
This form if love respects the other person. This love wants good things for the other and looks out for another's interest. This love sounds great! Here we would see mutual respect and service to the needs of others. Most families would be thrilled to have everyone possessing this third level of love.
However we learn from the French monk that there is a higher level of love.
Fourth Level: to love myself for your sake
This is a self-respecting love that stems from God-esteem. When you recognize your worth in God's eyes and are filled with this love then you can give the best of yourself to those around you. You can deal with struggles, stress in the relationship and even disagreements because you don't fear personal rejection. Your identity as a Spiritual Child of God is secure. You are not dependent on your family for your sense of worth, but dependent on God.
Jesus taught that we are to love God and then to love our neighbor as ourselves. Monk Bernard's last level of love sounds like Christ's second great commandment. It is through the first great commandment that makes following the second commandment possible. We need God-Esteem.
This acceptance of high worth in God is a blessing to a family. When my worth and identity comes from God, then I don't have to get that from you. I think it's fantastic to be affirmed in a relationship, especially by family members, but having God-Esteem means that we are not devastated when relationships in marriage or children or step children or siblings don't affirm us or define our worth. I really can stand confidently in the face of your rejection or distancing because none of it will take away my worth.

The Beginning of Blending

So we're into Phase 3 of this Blending Families Experiment. My kids with his kids. My girls and I arrived Thursday with our kitten. During daylight hours we are with David's family. His cat and our kitten haven't developed tolerance or respect for each other, but all of the kids have. I attribute this smooth transition to the fact that everyone of the 7 kids wants this big family to work out. They each seem eager to live in a home with a Dad and a Mom and have lots of brothers and sisters. Another helpful fact is that our kids are not spoiled. They easily share and get along well with each other. During the past year, I have been working to soften my heart and to train myself to love more easily, deeply and carelessly. I realize my heart is forward and venerable in this new condition. His kids are so easy to love! I really believe I would love them so much even if my heart were smaller, pushed in deeper and harder like it had been in the past.
My girls are usually joined at the hip and feel that they NEED each others' companionship even on bathroom trips. In the past couple of days though they have practiced more independence. They feel loved and secure in this big family. Yesterday David and I sat on the couch with the baby while the six others plus a neighbor friend played/worked quietly in small little groups in the same family room. It didn't feel like I thought 8 kids would feel or sound like.
Saturday, after chores, we took both our identical vans to get a live tree. I can't tell you how comically relieving it was to be the helper, not the leader in sawing and drilling to prep thetree for the stand. This was one of those times when I pictured myself completing a task with my previous husband. It is beautiful to have a capable, loving, and patient partner. Last night our family of 9 sat around the dinner table in love and gratitude. After dinner, I took the oldest girls along with their friends to a movie while David stayed home with the younger ones. It was reported that they did kids' yoga and spread blankets out for lots of bedtime stories. I love him!! The kids adore him too!

What's Scarier than Falling? Blending

I took an intermediate level painting class in college. I had recently earned a bunch of ART credits by taking a Portuguese written assessment and by resubmitting my AP Art History test score from high school. I just needed this painting class to meet the BA requirement and graduate. I should have been in Beginning Watercolor, but it wasn't offered my last semester. I had to get permission to be in the class with the real art students. Getting these last 2 ART credits was the easiest way to get a BA instead of going the BS route and would allow me to graduate ahead of schedule.

I liked painting, but I was no where near good enough to succeed at the "collegiate" level and I really didn't want this class to taint my GPA. After moving through some fairly easy assignments, the professor required us to paint something with difficult colors warning us that if we didn't paint properly, we would end up with a muddy mess. I painted with 2 of the difficult colors he allowed--red and green. Red and green together make muddy brown. I was so careful. There's only one tiny part of my painting that is muddy. I was pleased with my work, but it took a long long time. I still remember the pleasantly shocked look on his face when I presented my painting of a red apple on a green and yellow background. He told me, "Wow! I didn't know you had it in you! You took risks and it tuned out okay."

A while back, I poured my heart out about being scared to fall in love. He is an intelligent, hard working, kind, loving man. I had been afraid that I would love too much and get hurt in the end. It turns out that falling can be really fun if you have a partner that's falling in love right along with you.
Now, as we prepare to blend our lives together, the blending of our families is what scares me. I've heard of others' experiences with step children and step mothers and ex wives and realize that ours will be different. Different doesn't mean easy. Blending families can't be easy for anyone involved. I am so grateful to have a partner right along side of me as we begin the challenging process of blending.
This weekend my girls will get to have more time with him and Emerson, more than Kamryn, realizes that he and I may eventually marry. She sees him differently now than she did when she met him casually in September. She's texted him a few times and is pretty thrilled for his upcoming arrival.
His kids are excited to get to know me, my girls are excited to get to know him--but just like the "excitement" with new love--there will be many other feelings to experience. Here's to the hope, faith and charity we will need to blend these kids as carefully as possible. In the end, I hope to hear something similar to: "I knew you had it in you! You took risks and it tuned out beautifully."