Cruise

This itty, bitty island is called Goff's cay. It's surrounded by a gorgeous reef where we snorkeled off Belize. The plant life was amazing--fish, not so impressive. Grand Cayman is my favorite for amazing fish. My original plan was to go on the $70 excursion arranged by the cruise line to snorkel with the nurse sharks and sting rays, but my dad foiled my plan. He talked my aunt out of going with me and instead convinced her that we could arrange our own similar excursion for half the price. Well, it turns out you get what you pay for. Our $40 excursion was not quite the adrenaline rush that I had envisioned.
These two girls live in Belize. They worked on the tiny island where we played after an hour of snorkeling. Tamara and Prudence look drunk in this picture and they are. The island/snorkeling package included all you can drink rum punch. All I can say is the boat ride back to the main land was extremely loud. My aunt and I are non drinkers and have not had much time around heavy drinkers. I kept trying to figure out what was so funny, finally, I just started laughing with the rest of the passengers.
This is my mom in our cabin probably not wanting me to take this picture. I think she looks beautiful! I should have taken a photo of the whole cabin including my bunk. I'm sure it is more fun for me to share a room with them that it is for them to have me on a bunk right above them.
This my dad on the last night of the cruise. He had to hold his hat on to keep the wind from taking it away. He looks just like Santa right?
This is me in Belize right before boarding a little boat to go out to snorkel at a reef near a tiny island. The photo was taken by Lee, a man I met on the cruise ship. Lee followed me around for a few days and tagged along with my aunt and me on the snorkeling excursion. He found out I was not looking for love (after he had requested point blank), so fortunately he stopped following me around. Single women need to be careful on cruises; I learned THAT lesson 10 years ago from an awkward experience with a waiter from Turkey.
The cruise that I took with my parents and aunt and uncle was great!! They say you can gain 7 pounds on a 7 day cruise--I was thrilled to find that I had lost 2 pounds. I exercised 2 or 3 times each day and I was really careful to eat vegetables and lean protein so that I could enjoy dessert each night. The best part is that the chefs that Norwegian Cruise Line hires don't make delicious food. I found that I would get excited for the fancy evening meal, but then push it away after a few bites. It wasn't gross; just not worth the calories. The morning breakfast buffet was the best. I became good friends with the omelet man. He teased me about my egg whites, tomato and spinach omelets--he would even try to tempted me into adding cheese or sausage ;-)

So the cruise was a perfect getaway. I had more time than ever (since motherhood) to exercise, converse, meditate, journal and read. It was really fun to have so much time with my parents too. They are easy travel partners. Cruises are great because you can have plenty of alone time too. You are all safe on board with tons of activity choices and you meet back up at the cabin before dinner. The first time I cruised with my parents was 10 years ago. They told me afterwards that I tried to plan their activities and keep them too busy, so this time I held back a little and only invited them to join me for some fun events. They stayed out late with me 2 of the nights--we even did some dancing and singing. I completely embarrassed myself singing a Whitney Houston song. Oh well, I will never see those people again, right?

I didn't start to miss my girls until day 5, but it hit hard. I started telling my dad that next time we would take the girls with us and he said, "I love your girls, but I won't be cruising with them." We'll see about that!!

'Tis the Season for Exhaustion

We took this picture yesterday. It's not a great picture, but it illustrates the holiday exhaustion well. My girls were so excited to meet Santa, but then Emerson told me later that she couldn't smile--she was sure Santa had figured out that she wasn't always nice and it stressed her out.

Well my first full week back to working full time is finally over!! I think that I was trying to get everything done in the same amount of time and I learned some valuable lessons.

During the 4 months that I was able to be a stay at home mom, I stayed on top of the laundry, read 6-10 books to my girls each day, played math games and phonics games with them every day, played horses, ran around outside and took them to the gym with me 5 times a week. I also had at least 1 hour of journal/scriptures/prayer time for myself every day. On some nights, (most) I did indulge in 90 minutes of TV after the girls fell asleep--usually while cleaning or folding laundry I would watch King of Queens and then The Office reruns.

This week, with 9 hours of work each day, I had to let some things go. Unfortunately, I didn't let go of the most worthless thing (TV).

I didn't do any laundry until Friday night--it was really bothering me--but it worked--actually, no it didn't work, because it's Sunday and it hasn't even been put away yet. I only read 2 books to the girls at bedtime and we only played math and phonic games 2 days this week. I didn't build a snowman with them and we only went to the gym 1 time. My journaling and study hour was cut to fifteen minutes BUT I was still able to watch 90 minutes of TV after they went to bed. I didn't even do anything productive while the TV was on (except maybe check FB, but that isn't really productive is it?)

Emerson had 1 dress rehearsal and 1 performance for her singing class this week, so we were pulled a bit during the week nights. Two days this week we left the house at 7:30 am and didn't return until after 8 pm.

One night my brother Sean called and invited us to dinner--it was such I nice surprise. I was exhausted and was eager to get home and rest, but I always look forward to any time with my extended family. Especially because my girls need time with their uncles. I want them to be comfortable around trusted men as often as possible. Sean and his wife had a delicious fancy holiday meal for my little family and my sister Sharla. Sharla's little baby is getting big; she's 9 weeks old now. She is so cute and such a blessing. I'm so glad that she made it here to earth safely.

Yesterday was a whirlwind: Singles' Breakfast, birthday party, work in my classroom, pictures with the cousins, meeting Santa at the mall, and ward gingerbread house party. My girls were so well behaved through that crazy day. I had Kamryn on my shoulders a bunch, but she was going without a nap, so I babied her a little. We all went to sleep early and today everyone is in a great mood.

THIS WEEK'S GOALS

30 Minutes journaling/scripture time daily

4 days at the gym

4 days of phonics and math games

3 books read to girls each night

Laundry DONE Wednesday and Friday nights (even put away)

Go to sleep at 9:30 instead of TV til 11.

Thursday and Friday will be exceptions this week as we have a "Lights at Temple Square" activity with the 27-40 yr old Singles on Thursday and then a party on Friday in Utah County. We may not get home until after 11 pm on both of those nights.

At least my shopping is all done. Now, I love Christmas time!

Grateful for Storms

I had Thanksgiving at my house this year. There were going to be 10 of us, but I had my girls call their dad to wish him Happy Thanksgiving and he ended up inviting them to his grandma's house. So we only had 8 here at my place. It was the smallest Thanksgiving that I have ever celebrated. I had 2 iPads from my classroom to entertain my sister's 2 kids and it ended up being pretty quiet.

One event of the day that got me pondering happened before my girls left with their dad. Both girls were sitting up at the counter watching me cut up potatoes. We were talking and singing and I was distracted from my task enough to slice my left thumb. I didn't say anything, I just grabbed a half of a paper towel to wrap it and then continued with the potatoes. My girls asked me what happened and why I needed the paper towel. Their jaws dropped and eyes opened wide when they saw my thumb. By their expressions, you would have thought I had lost the entire thumb. It was small, but bleeding freely without the paper on it. Kamryn (3) was most concerned. I don't really remember what was said, but I do remember her eyes. She has amazing big brown eyes. This sweet daughter of mine just looked at me and those eyes filled with tears. She hurt to see me hurt. I stopped with the potatoes and I let her hug me and comfort me.

Later in the day I went with my brother, sister and brother-in-law to see the movie 127 hours. I sobbed like a baby.

Kamryn's tears that morning and the message of the movie that evening really hit me.

I need to allow people to know my feelings. As humans, we need to care and be involved, but we also need to allow people to care for us and be involved in our trials. The past year has been the most difficult of my life. At this point, I wouldn't give back those trials, but there were some pretty low times that I didn't allow others to comfort me. I thought that I had to be strong and alone. The Lord blessed me with some amazing experiences that I never would have imagined experiencing, but now I realize that I could have shared some of those blessing with others had I not been so selfish and drawn away from others.

I have been studying lately about Trusting in the Lord. I feel like the past year has really given me opportunities to test out my ability to trust. It has also given me the opportunity to remember that He is a Fourth Watch type of God. Remember before Christ walked on water during the storm, He had been watching his disciples from a hill. They were in their fishing boat during a terrible storm. He told them to go out on the boat following the feeding of the 5,000. He allowed the storm to beat upon them for hours. The 1st watch is 6 pm and each watch last 3 hours. Christ did not calm the storm until the fourth watch between 3 am and 6 am the next morning. Peter had to work on his trust issues before he could successfully walk on the water with the Savior. While only a few verses in the New Testament discuss this event, I want to know more of what the disciples were thinking and feeling during the storm. I recorded so many of my thoughts and feelings during my own storm this past year, but then my hard drive was destroyed and I lost my record. It may not be important for my girls to know of everything that I went through, but I know that because of my experiences, I have gained a perspective that may help me to become a more courageous disciple and a wiser mother than I would have been without these experiences.

I am so grateful for the small miracles that we experience. Even if these miracles happen during or after extremely difficult trials, they are for our learning and perspective.

Another reason that trials are so important in life is that because of them we can so appreciate the calm times in our lives. I have been sailing on relatively ripple free water for the past 2 months and it is incredibly amazing.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

I'm also going to blog like nobody is reading. I just want to pour my perspective out there even if it exposes my craziness.

A few friends that I met at last Saturday's bowling activity invited me to go dancing last night. I was a little nervous for a few reasons:

1. I didn't know these people very well. Ben had been texting throughout the week (I've decided I much rather have a real phone conversation once a week than many tiny bits of random messages across several days). So I really didn't know him too well and I only knew his two other friends from the bowling game.

2. I didn't really want to dance any slow dances. For me, this outing was to be sort of an exercise to gauge where I am in my progress of being a strong single woman.

3. I didn't really want to dance any fast dances. I was convinced that I would look like a completely awkward freak. Ben and his friends have been divorced longer than I have and they attend dances nearly every Saturday night. The last dance that I had been to was in February or March of 2003.

For anyone who has learned a new language, you remember the SILENT stage. You stand around listening to others speaking and you catch one or 2 familiar words but still have no real clue about what's being said. I imagined going through a similar stage at this dance. This stage in my mind was called the INVISIBLE stage. I wanted to watch the single people and catch a glimpse of this new language.

Well, just like I was out-of-my-mind nervous about bowling last week and it turned out great, last night was awesome too.

We all met in Farmington at Ben's place. Olga (from the Dominican Republic) drove us to Wheeler Farm in her car. During the 45 minute drive (in a snowstorm), I was able to get to know these great people better and get prepped for what was to come. All of us in the car had been divorced. They are all in their 40's, I was the baby because I'm 33. Each of them discussed their ex spouses, except for me. I liked to listen and try to understand each situation. All three of them are still a bit (actually, a lot) in love with either their former spouse or an ex-dating partner.

This was the first part of the night where I felt really blessed to not be missing or loving anyone. I don't know if I can describe what I felt, but I felt relieved to not be pining for someone.

In the car, when Shane found out that this would be my first of these 30+ dances, he asked if I was nervous. "I'm terrified" was my reply. He said, "Oh just relax, you won't meet the love of your life here, so lower your expectations and you'll be pleasantly surprised". I laughed right out loud at his words of comfort. "No, Shane, I am no where near that stage of thinking. honestly, I just do not want to be physically close to strange men and I definitely don't want to be groped by anyone"

Surprised by the expression of my strong feelings, the car filled with laughter as I was tutored by these expert dance goers. I learned that these dances have no upper age limit. So, the terms grandpa and groping can be heard in the same sentence.

Learning that there would be dancers in their 60's and 70's actually relaxed me quite a bit.

We entered the big barn like building on Historic Wheeler Farm and went upstairs to check our coats. From upstairs you can look down onto the dance floor. It was so funny to me at first. There were so many old people out there shakin' it and workin' it. I had to smile and I even laughed a little bit. There were quite a few wall flowers too. Many people watched and ate. There was a refreshment bar with salads and small sandwiches, nuts and candies. (I have to include this food information for my dad--he's totally obsessed with what kind of food is offered for how much you pay anywhere). These particular dances are run by a DJ, have a dress code (modesty), and serve ice water. No smoking or drinking.

We went downstairs and as I stepped onto the dance floor, I realized that these people (who I had just laughed at moments ago) were my peers. More than that--they are my spiritual brothers and sisters.

I had planned on being a wall flower last night. I was heading out there as an exercise to take a temperature of my readiness for dating. Also, I was pleasantly happy that I was not loving anyone at this time.

HOWEVER, when I saw all these different people with my spiritual eyes, my heart grew. I felt a ton of love for all of these people. It occurred to me that every single person in that big room had experienced heartache and pain in life. My perspective completely changed.

I accepted every dance with every guy who asked me. I was assertive with my space, but very willing to ask questions and let them talk about themselves. I also paid more attention to the women around me. I thought about how much time and thought had gone into the clothing that they chose to wear. Where I had thrown on some simple black pants and a yellow hooded sweater, these women had really gone out of their way to look attractive. Many women with wrinkles had put layers of makeup on (I really think this would have made me judge them and shake my head with thoughts that they need to be more real), but instead I hurt a little bit for them and I saw the beauty and strength in their eyes. I also said a quiet prayer that they would find good men who also saw the beauty in these women.

Near the end of the dance, I was standing alone near the dance floor during a fast dance. I was really enjoying watching a group of friends dance silly and laugh together. Each person in that circle dealt with being overweight. I admired them for their enthusiasm and creativity. One of them noticed me and motioned for me to join the circle. I did and had fun. When a slow song started another one from the circle started dancing with me. He is my age and we talked easily. They announced the last song of the evening and he asked if I would finish the evening with him. At the end of the song he invited me to join his circle of friends to go to a restaurant. I thanked him, but declined. I told him that I came with some other people and needed to get home to get to sleep. Having dealt with weight issues all of my adult life, I understood what it would take for him to invite me out and I admired him. I really hope to see that circle of dancers again.

Driving home that night, I felt peace. I didn't feel as wrapped up in myself anymore. I was no longer the "terrified" girl as I had previously described myself. I was a dancer learning from others and gaining perspective.

Precious Time

"Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Starting work in a less than 2 weeks makes me feel so grateful for the extra time that I have had with my girls. We have really enjoyed kicking back and playing together. They love playing Uno, any kind of concentration (numbers or letter matching), horses, princesses and house. I've tried to play as much as possible with them, but without a maid I do have to do chores once and a while also. I've decided not to get a gym membership. I have absolutely loved the classes at the gym, but now that I will return to work, I'm going to have to merge some play with girls time with exercise time. We have done yoga together and they absolutely love it. I need to get them to enjoy cardio and strength training too. I love my girls so much. I found out today that their uncle (my ex husband's brother) past away after battling Lukemia. Tomorrow we will go to the viewing. He was only 22 yrs old. He was such a friendly, outgoing, kind guy. I do know that he will be busy and charismatic where he is serving now. I am so glad that my girls have been in the US and were able to get to know him before his death. My heart aches for his parents and his siblings. I do believe that there are no untimely deaths, but it sure is difficult to move forward without an important person in your daily life.

Back in the Singles Scene

I ventured into unfamiliar territory.

I went to my first over 30 Singles activity. We actually have a name. We are "Mid Singles" not "Young Singles" or "Geriatric Singles". I have been attending the Wednesday night religion class in Centerville each week. This class sponsored a Saturday night bowling activity in Ogden last night.

I arrived a bit early and didn't recognize anyone that looked like a "Mid Single" person. I lined up in the bowling line to pay and get a lane--it was a long line so I figured that I had time to search out some of my peers to join me in line so I wouldn't bowl in a lane by myself. Before I knew it, I was next up to the cashier.

I panicked--saw some singlish looking people, but didn't want to yell to them (and they wouldn't even know me), so I left the enormous line and found some safety in the restroom. I took some deep breaths. I wasn't sure if I was actually ready to be in a social setting where people were having fun, but at the same time, scoping out others for eternal companions. Even though I don't feel ready for scoping, I do want to meet some friends in my similar situation. It would be nice to find a few friends who are single moms with young kids just like me.

I made a deal with myself that I would go back out to the bowling area for five minutes. If I didn't feel comfortable or didn't see anyone that I recognized from our huge class, then I would excuse myself from the "fun" and probably not venture out to an activity for another 6 weeks. I guess this could be called the Groundhog plan.

As it turns out, I bravely left the safety of the ladies room and within seconds spotted my friend Rory. Rory and I met 10 years ago. We reconnected at Wednesday's religion class a few days ago. Rory and I ended up tagging along in a bowling lane with 4 new friends and we had a blast!! I managed to get the lowest score both games--too bad we weren't on the golf course, right?

Exercise

Yesterday, I did a long run. My legs were burning and even after the run the pain was increasing. Usually, the pain goes away about an hour after the run and then muscle soreness wakes me up the next morning--but yesterday I got no relief. I actually had to take a painkiller to get to sleep. For those of you who know me well, I avoid painkillers unless I really can't deal with the pain over a period of time. Anyway, today I dreaded going to RPM (indoor biking class with awesome music and an instructor bossing us around telling us we are going up imaginary hills and we have to increase our tension or telling us we are in a race and we have to pedal faster). I forced my sore legs (actually sore body) to the class anyway and I am SO GLAD that I did. The class was hard, the instructor was pushy and I really pushed it more than normal. It felt awesome!!

My muscles needed that intense biking workout in order to release all the lactic acid from yesterday's brutal run.

Now I probably should be stretching and drinking water. The guy next to me informed me that I was dehydrated. He told me that my face was too red and I didn't have a large enough puddle of sweat under my bike. Good to know--thank-you to my new biking stranger friend.

Thankful

Things are going really well.

I'm excited to start working after Thanksgiving. My girls are really adjusting to the idea of me starting to teach again. Today, Emerson said, "You know mom, you did a really good job at pretending to be a nanny and maid." That made me feel really good. She is such a sweetheart and looks after me. She knows that I was no where near as good as our Indonesian nanny and Philippina maid, but she saved me from feeling like a failure.

I love my girls so much. I'm so grateful for their health and their innocence. It's a privilege to be responsible for training these Spirit Sisters of mine.

I'm grateful for our house and our supportive family. My sisters, Jessica, Shelly and Sherra have been such good friends to me lately. My brother Shane has been so helpful around the house and yard. My girls love when he visits. I am so grateful for renewed relationships with some of my cousins too.

I'm really thankful recently for the resurrection of my MacBook Pro. Luckily, my boss, who is a Mac guru replaced the hard drive for me and downloaded hundreds of dollars worth of software. It feels wrong to be so thrilled to be reunited with a machine, but oh it is fabulous!!

Children of God

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God". Elder Orson F. Whitney
Yesterday at church a darling little girl sang a medley of 3 primary songs. She started with I am a Child of God then a verse of Teach Me to Walk in the Light and closed with If the Savior Stood Beside Me. I loved it! If we know that we are truly His children and we try to gain more light and knowledge, it really does become easier to be like Him and do what He would do.

E likes church now

For the past year or so E has struggled with Welcoming Sabbath mornings.  Honestly, I was not looking forward to forcing her to church for the next 15 years.  Today, she loved it!!  She actually asked if we could go back again tomorrow.  I'm thrilled!!  It turns out, the little girls in her class have befriended her and she wants to spend more time with them.

While I miss the members of the branch in Malaysia, I am really glad that we are back in our home ward here.  We need to be nurtured and loved.  There are plenty of friends for all of us here.

Antelope Island

The girls helped me with the yard today so we could hurry and get out to the island. While I was emptying the mulch bag from the lawn mower, E asked, "Mom, do you like pretending to be the dad by mowing the lawn?" I laughed and responded, "Even if we had a daddy living at our house, I would love to take my turn with the grass cutting!!" I think sometimes this 5 yr old of mine worries about me.
We packed a picnic and drove 14 minutes to the island. They love it!! We love it!! We usually drive around looking for buffalo and then park the car and hike down to the beach.
We have always had the beach to ourselves, but today there were lots of tourists. Having enjoyed the beautiful shore before, we were prepared with towels, a large blanket, swim suits and drinks. The tourists reach the shoreline with nothing but cameras. Oh, how I would have loved to have a camera today!!! I bought a nice camera in Malaysia and I have it here in the US with me, but, unfortunately the battery charger has a Malaysian electrical plug. I haven't found a store here which carries the right adapter.
The tourists were from various parts of the US, Russia, Mexico and Brazil. It was nice to use my Portuguese a bit today with the Brazilian family. I am terribly rusty though--I could tell they were thinking "Oh come on already, just speak English with us".
The tourists were mostly in jeans and shirts with long sleeves. Some rolled up their pant legs and waded a bit. Some just stood there watching my girls play in the sand for a little bit before they started taking photos of their loved ones on the shore. I wish that I would have just asked someone to take my girls pictures and then email them to us.
Next week I will buy a camera.
The 3/4 mile hike back to the car is a bit difficult, but we do it the same everytime. E is a trooper and collects rocks while humming or singing pleasantly to herself. K becomes whiny after short distances and insists on riding on my shoulders for longer stretches. Today I had quite a bit in my huge backpack plus E's rock collection was too large for her to carry so she stopped me occasionally to add more into the pack. I really felt a bit shaky and faint when we finally made it to the van and I took off the huge pack and the 30 pound 3 yr old. I was dehydrated. Yesterday, I watched my brother's kids along with mine and I didn't drink enough water throughout the day. Six kids keep you pretty busy and easily distracted.