Broke my own dating rules

It was a good date really.

Last year I thought that I would be ready to date by January 2011. Well, last month came and I said I still wasn't ready. Last week a man asked me out and I said no again. I would like to get to know him better, but I still wasn't ready. Today after taking my girls swimming, my little brother "asked me out" for a trial date. I think he has only asked a girl out once before and he has only been on one date since his dating years began 6 years ago. I told him for sure that I would go with him.

Shantelle's Dating Rules:

1. Home before midnight

2. Drive separately

3. Stay in public places

4. Keep my home off limits

5. No kids involved

6. No movie dates

Rules 5 and 6 were broken tonight.

My little brother doesn't know my dating rules though and I should have made it clear, but I thought, since he's my brother and I had no babysitter then I could bend the rules. I knew my girls would not be confused or worried because they know and love their uncle already.

We took my kids to the 9:25 pm show. One fell asleep on the way there, so I carried her into the theater. The other one fell asleep on my lap within the first ten minutes and, unfortunately, she's the one who occasionally wets the bed. Yep, my lap ended up being urine soaked halfway through the show. Lesson learned--No kids on dates. Even the fake dates.

The movie was really good though. We watched "Morning Glory". We also ran into Mary and Vicky from the ward (neighborhood congregation) where we grew up. It was great to reconnect with them. Those are 2 of my 15 favorite women in the world. Those friends and I and Shane and I only had maybe 10 minutes of real conversation. So, in getting to know someone that I need to be able to trust, I don't want to waste time in a dark theater.

I didn't get nervous at all on this "date" and I'm thrilled that I did it. I think I'm ready for dating (or almost ready). I tend to be over optimistic about my progress.

At least I know that I'll stick to those rules until I feel safe. However, when rule #5 is ready to be crossed off, I'm going to pack some pull-ups.

Ladies' Room Gossip

I didn't have my girls tonight. I had been invited to go out to a church dance by my friend Cherise and my other friend Ben. I went, not really feeling in the mood for dancing. This dance was held at a stake center (large LDS building) in Farmington. I was really impressed with the organization and presentation. Ben paid $6 for the both of us. This gave us free coat check, admission to the dance and all you can eat kiwis, strawberries, awesome veggies, ice water and pizza (for those who have already gone astray from resolutions).

Signs were nicely posted directing people to the eating rooms and the conversations rooms. There were also nice tablecloths and vases of long stem roses. The average age of the other dancers was 55+. I just assumed it was a 30+ dance (There were no signs to turn younger people away). There were VERY few under 40 and I really think there were only 6 of us under the age of 35. After I had danced with Ben and then a few grandpas, the DJ finally played some fast songs (my favorites) and I ran into Cherise and her friends from Ogden. We really got into the music (lots of Oldies*). Most of the dancers danced in couples during all songs--fast or slow. Those of us born after 1970 dance in mixed gender circles or groups during the fast songs and then we usually leave the dance floor or dance with a partner of the opposite sex when a slow song begins. I learned in the ladies' room that we kind of stick out when we jump around in a circle near the front of the dance floor.

Anyway, after working up a sweat, I wandered around the building until I found a restroom. It was quite crowded with women primping near the mirrors, so I weaved my way in and found an empty stall. The restroom seemed to empty quickly after that and then I heard 4 women talking about how they HATE all the young girls that come to these dances. "Isn't this supposed to be 45 and older?" Then one replied in a squeaky fake voice, "Well, I'm only 29 and I can come here if I want to!!" Laughter . . . another voice "I'm 26 and I have no idea how to dance, but I just bounce around so all the men can look at me!!" and finally, the first one "I never ask men to dance, I just dance with my friends and wait for the men to ask me!!" (Isn't that the traditional way??)

OUCH!! Seriously!! Are they making fun of us??? Wow!!

I should have stayed in the stall until they vacated, but I couldn't resist.

I appeared at the sink behind them and watched their jaws drop through the reflection in the mirror. (I guess that they didn't realize I was in the stall--I had thought that they were saying it so I could hear) I smiled and asked, "Will you guys teach me how to dance?" They left and I washed my hands in peace and quiet, but I was also more aware of how I may be making others feel. I was ready to go home. I did have fun and I am glad that I went out, but it was time to go home--and blog about the lesson in the ladies room.

*Oldies-- Tangent story: Earlier this week, in a group fitness class, an instructor said, "This next song is an oldie and has been requested" I braced myself for a song from the 50's or 60's, but laughed when I heard the song "Ice, Ice, Baby" by Vanilla Ice. I guess songs from my jr high years are now called "oldies"--so funny!! I'm a grown up now.

Happy 2011!!

Resolutions

Well, obviously my main one is to continue to lose weight. I lost 2 pounds on my cruise and then gained 2 in the 2 weeks that followed. This past week I work really hard at eating tons of veggies and exercising enough. I lost 4 pounds and 3 inches on my waist. Hopefully, this awesome start to 2011 will keep me going. I am falling in love with the treadmill again. At this time last year I was running 3 miles 3 or 4 times each week. My goal is to increase my weekly mileage so that I'm getting a few 6 milers in each week. My treadmill will arrive here in a week and a couple of days. The gym's cardio machines are riduculously occupied during the month of January, so it will be nice to run at home in the early mornings before the cherubs wake up.

Here are some other resolutions:

1- Hold more meaningful Family Home Evenings (spiritual meetings held on Monday evenings within the home)

2- Keep the house "company ready" -- this is so much easier now that school is back in--we aren't around to make messes.

3- Go on a date. (This sounds easy, but it actually terrifies me) During the month of November, I was asked out on dates by 3 different really decent men. I truly do want to get to know them eventually, but I told them I wouldn't be ready until January. Now it is January and I really have no desire to date. This resolution is one that may take a few months to even discuss again.

4- Go out at least once every other week. This will be going to a singles activity or a girls' night out. I realize that now that I am working fulltime again, it is easy to go into hiding and I know that's not healthy. I was "in hiding" while living in Malaysia. I worked and then spent every other second of my life with my girls. At first it seems really responsible, but eventually, you get so lonely that it hurts. I'm at the "ready to hide" again stage. I recognize this and want to prevent it from happening. I'm really thankful for the group fitness classes that I attend. I always look forward to those and my girls really love the hour at the gym child center, while I have my classes.

Cruise

This itty, bitty island is called Goff's cay. It's surrounded by a gorgeous reef where we snorkeled off Belize. The plant life was amazing--fish, not so impressive. Grand Cayman is my favorite for amazing fish. My original plan was to go on the $70 excursion arranged by the cruise line to snorkel with the nurse sharks and sting rays, but my dad foiled my plan. He talked my aunt out of going with me and instead convinced her that we could arrange our own similar excursion for half the price. Well, it turns out you get what you pay for. Our $40 excursion was not quite the adrenaline rush that I had envisioned.
These two girls live in Belize. They worked on the tiny island where we played after an hour of snorkeling. Tamara and Prudence look drunk in this picture and they are. The island/snorkeling package included all you can drink rum punch. All I can say is the boat ride back to the main land was extremely loud. My aunt and I are non drinkers and have not had much time around heavy drinkers. I kept trying to figure out what was so funny, finally, I just started laughing with the rest of the passengers.
This is my mom in our cabin probably not wanting me to take this picture. I think she looks beautiful! I should have taken a photo of the whole cabin including my bunk. I'm sure it is more fun for me to share a room with them that it is for them to have me on a bunk right above them.
This my dad on the last night of the cruise. He had to hold his hat on to keep the wind from taking it away. He looks just like Santa right?
This is me in Belize right before boarding a little boat to go out to snorkel at a reef near a tiny island. The photo was taken by Lee, a man I met on the cruise ship. Lee followed me around for a few days and tagged along with my aunt and me on the snorkeling excursion. He found out I was not looking for love (after he had requested point blank), so fortunately he stopped following me around. Single women need to be careful on cruises; I learned THAT lesson 10 years ago from an awkward experience with a waiter from Turkey.
The cruise that I took with my parents and aunt and uncle was great!! They say you can gain 7 pounds on a 7 day cruise--I was thrilled to find that I had lost 2 pounds. I exercised 2 or 3 times each day and I was really careful to eat vegetables and lean protein so that I could enjoy dessert each night. The best part is that the chefs that Norwegian Cruise Line hires don't make delicious food. I found that I would get excited for the fancy evening meal, but then push it away after a few bites. It wasn't gross; just not worth the calories. The morning breakfast buffet was the best. I became good friends with the omelet man. He teased me about my egg whites, tomato and spinach omelets--he would even try to tempted me into adding cheese or sausage ;-)

So the cruise was a perfect getaway. I had more time than ever (since motherhood) to exercise, converse, meditate, journal and read. It was really fun to have so much time with my parents too. They are easy travel partners. Cruises are great because you can have plenty of alone time too. You are all safe on board with tons of activity choices and you meet back up at the cabin before dinner. The first time I cruised with my parents was 10 years ago. They told me afterwards that I tried to plan their activities and keep them too busy, so this time I held back a little and only invited them to join me for some fun events. They stayed out late with me 2 of the nights--we even did some dancing and singing. I completely embarrassed myself singing a Whitney Houston song. Oh well, I will never see those people again, right?

I didn't start to miss my girls until day 5, but it hit hard. I started telling my dad that next time we would take the girls with us and he said, "I love your girls, but I won't be cruising with them." We'll see about that!!

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

I'm also going to blog like nobody is reading. I just want to pour my perspective out there even if it exposes my craziness.

A few friends that I met at last Saturday's bowling activity invited me to go dancing last night. I was a little nervous for a few reasons:

1. I didn't know these people very well. Ben had been texting throughout the week (I've decided I much rather have a real phone conversation once a week than many tiny bits of random messages across several days). So I really didn't know him too well and I only knew his two other friends from the bowling game.

2. I didn't really want to dance any slow dances. For me, this outing was to be sort of an exercise to gauge where I am in my progress of being a strong single woman.

3. I didn't really want to dance any fast dances. I was convinced that I would look like a completely awkward freak. Ben and his friends have been divorced longer than I have and they attend dances nearly every Saturday night. The last dance that I had been to was in February or March of 2003.

For anyone who has learned a new language, you remember the SILENT stage. You stand around listening to others speaking and you catch one or 2 familiar words but still have no real clue about what's being said. I imagined going through a similar stage at this dance. This stage in my mind was called the INVISIBLE stage. I wanted to watch the single people and catch a glimpse of this new language.

Well, just like I was out-of-my-mind nervous about bowling last week and it turned out great, last night was awesome too.

We all met in Farmington at Ben's place. Olga (from the Dominican Republic) drove us to Wheeler Farm in her car. During the 45 minute drive (in a snowstorm), I was able to get to know these great people better and get prepped for what was to come. All of us in the car had been divorced. They are all in their 40's, I was the baby because I'm 33. Each of them discussed their ex spouses, except for me. I liked to listen and try to understand each situation. All three of them are still a bit (actually, a lot) in love with either their former spouse or an ex-dating partner.

This was the first part of the night where I felt really blessed to not be missing or loving anyone. I don't know if I can describe what I felt, but I felt relieved to not be pining for someone.

In the car, when Shane found out that this would be my first of these 30+ dances, he asked if I was nervous. "I'm terrified" was my reply. He said, "Oh just relax, you won't meet the love of your life here, so lower your expectations and you'll be pleasantly surprised". I laughed right out loud at his words of comfort. "No, Shane, I am no where near that stage of thinking. honestly, I just do not want to be physically close to strange men and I definitely don't want to be groped by anyone"

Surprised by the expression of my strong feelings, the car filled with laughter as I was tutored by these expert dance goers. I learned that these dances have no upper age limit. So, the terms grandpa and groping can be heard in the same sentence.

Learning that there would be dancers in their 60's and 70's actually relaxed me quite a bit.

We entered the big barn like building on Historic Wheeler Farm and went upstairs to check our coats. From upstairs you can look down onto the dance floor. It was so funny to me at first. There were so many old people out there shakin' it and workin' it. I had to smile and I even laughed a little bit. There were quite a few wall flowers too. Many people watched and ate. There was a refreshment bar with salads and small sandwiches, nuts and candies. (I have to include this food information for my dad--he's totally obsessed with what kind of food is offered for how much you pay anywhere). These particular dances are run by a DJ, have a dress code (modesty), and serve ice water. No smoking or drinking.

We went downstairs and as I stepped onto the dance floor, I realized that these people (who I had just laughed at moments ago) were my peers. More than that--they are my spiritual brothers and sisters.

I had planned on being a wall flower last night. I was heading out there as an exercise to take a temperature of my readiness for dating. Also, I was pleasantly happy that I was not loving anyone at this time.

HOWEVER, when I saw all these different people with my spiritual eyes, my heart grew. I felt a ton of love for all of these people. It occurred to me that every single person in that big room had experienced heartache and pain in life. My perspective completely changed.

I accepted every dance with every guy who asked me. I was assertive with my space, but very willing to ask questions and let them talk about themselves. I also paid more attention to the women around me. I thought about how much time and thought had gone into the clothing that they chose to wear. Where I had thrown on some simple black pants and a yellow hooded sweater, these women had really gone out of their way to look attractive. Many women with wrinkles had put layers of makeup on (I really think this would have made me judge them and shake my head with thoughts that they need to be more real), but instead I hurt a little bit for them and I saw the beauty and strength in their eyes. I also said a quiet prayer that they would find good men who also saw the beauty in these women.

Near the end of the dance, I was standing alone near the dance floor during a fast dance. I was really enjoying watching a group of friends dance silly and laugh together. Each person in that circle dealt with being overweight. I admired them for their enthusiasm and creativity. One of them noticed me and motioned for me to join the circle. I did and had fun. When a slow song started another one from the circle started dancing with me. He is my age and we talked easily. They announced the last song of the evening and he asked if I would finish the evening with him. At the end of the song he invited me to join his circle of friends to go to a restaurant. I thanked him, but declined. I told him that I came with some other people and needed to get home to get to sleep. Having dealt with weight issues all of my adult life, I understood what it would take for him to invite me out and I admired him. I really hope to see that circle of dancers again.

Driving home that night, I felt peace. I didn't feel as wrapped up in myself anymore. I was no longer the "terrified" girl as I had previously described myself. I was a dancer learning from others and gaining perspective.

Back in the Singles Scene

I ventured into unfamiliar territory.

I went to my first over 30 Singles activity. We actually have a name. We are "Mid Singles" not "Young Singles" or "Geriatric Singles". I have been attending the Wednesday night religion class in Centerville each week. This class sponsored a Saturday night bowling activity in Ogden last night.

I arrived a bit early and didn't recognize anyone that looked like a "Mid Single" person. I lined up in the bowling line to pay and get a lane--it was a long line so I figured that I had time to search out some of my peers to join me in line so I wouldn't bowl in a lane by myself. Before I knew it, I was next up to the cashier.

I panicked--saw some singlish looking people, but didn't want to yell to them (and they wouldn't even know me), so I left the enormous line and found some safety in the restroom. I took some deep breaths. I wasn't sure if I was actually ready to be in a social setting where people were having fun, but at the same time, scoping out others for eternal companions. Even though I don't feel ready for scoping, I do want to meet some friends in my similar situation. It would be nice to find a few friends who are single moms with young kids just like me.

I made a deal with myself that I would go back out to the bowling area for five minutes. If I didn't feel comfortable or didn't see anyone that I recognized from our huge class, then I would excuse myself from the "fun" and probably not venture out to an activity for another 6 weeks. I guess this could be called the Groundhog plan.

As it turns out, I bravely left the safety of the ladies room and within seconds spotted my friend Rory. Rory and I met 10 years ago. We reconnected at Wednesday's religion class a few days ago. Rory and I ended up tagging along in a bowling lane with 4 new friends and we had a blast!! I managed to get the lowest score both games--too bad we weren't on the golf course, right?