Grateful for Storms

I had Thanksgiving at my house this year. There were going to be 10 of us, but I had my girls call their dad to wish him Happy Thanksgiving and he ended up inviting them to his grandma's house. So we only had 8 here at my place. It was the smallest Thanksgiving that I have ever celebrated. I had 2 iPads from my classroom to entertain my sister's 2 kids and it ended up being pretty quiet.

One event of the day that got me pondering happened before my girls left with their dad. Both girls were sitting up at the counter watching me cut up potatoes. We were talking and singing and I was distracted from my task enough to slice my left thumb. I didn't say anything, I just grabbed a half of a paper towel to wrap it and then continued with the potatoes. My girls asked me what happened and why I needed the paper towel. Their jaws dropped and eyes opened wide when they saw my thumb. By their expressions, you would have thought I had lost the entire thumb. It was small, but bleeding freely without the paper on it. Kamryn (3) was most concerned. I don't really remember what was said, but I do remember her eyes. She has amazing big brown eyes. This sweet daughter of mine just looked at me and those eyes filled with tears. She hurt to see me hurt. I stopped with the potatoes and I let her hug me and comfort me.

Later in the day I went with my brother, sister and brother-in-law to see the movie 127 hours. I sobbed like a baby.

Kamryn's tears that morning and the message of the movie that evening really hit me.

I need to allow people to know my feelings. As humans, we need to care and be involved, but we also need to allow people to care for us and be involved in our trials. The past year has been the most difficult of my life. At this point, I wouldn't give back those trials, but there were some pretty low times that I didn't allow others to comfort me. I thought that I had to be strong and alone. The Lord blessed me with some amazing experiences that I never would have imagined experiencing, but now I realize that I could have shared some of those blessing with others had I not been so selfish and drawn away from others.

I have been studying lately about Trusting in the Lord. I feel like the past year has really given me opportunities to test out my ability to trust. It has also given me the opportunity to remember that He is a Fourth Watch type of God. Remember before Christ walked on water during the storm, He had been watching his disciples from a hill. They were in their fishing boat during a terrible storm. He told them to go out on the boat following the feeding of the 5,000. He allowed the storm to beat upon them for hours. The 1st watch is 6 pm and each watch last 3 hours. Christ did not calm the storm until the fourth watch between 3 am and 6 am the next morning. Peter had to work on his trust issues before he could successfully walk on the water with the Savior. While only a few verses in the New Testament discuss this event, I want to know more of what the disciples were thinking and feeling during the storm. I recorded so many of my thoughts and feelings during my own storm this past year, but then my hard drive was destroyed and I lost my record. It may not be important for my girls to know of everything that I went through, but I know that because of my experiences, I have gained a perspective that may help me to become a more courageous disciple and a wiser mother than I would have been without these experiences.

I am so grateful for the small miracles that we experience. Even if these miracles happen during or after extremely difficult trials, they are for our learning and perspective.

Another reason that trials are so important in life is that because of them we can so appreciate the calm times in our lives. I have been sailing on relatively ripple free water for the past 2 months and it is incredibly amazing.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

I'm also going to blog like nobody is reading. I just want to pour my perspective out there even if it exposes my craziness.

A few friends that I met at last Saturday's bowling activity invited me to go dancing last night. I was a little nervous for a few reasons:

1. I didn't know these people very well. Ben had been texting throughout the week (I've decided I much rather have a real phone conversation once a week than many tiny bits of random messages across several days). So I really didn't know him too well and I only knew his two other friends from the bowling game.

2. I didn't really want to dance any slow dances. For me, this outing was to be sort of an exercise to gauge where I am in my progress of being a strong single woman.

3. I didn't really want to dance any fast dances. I was convinced that I would look like a completely awkward freak. Ben and his friends have been divorced longer than I have and they attend dances nearly every Saturday night. The last dance that I had been to was in February or March of 2003.

For anyone who has learned a new language, you remember the SILENT stage. You stand around listening to others speaking and you catch one or 2 familiar words but still have no real clue about what's being said. I imagined going through a similar stage at this dance. This stage in my mind was called the INVISIBLE stage. I wanted to watch the single people and catch a glimpse of this new language.

Well, just like I was out-of-my-mind nervous about bowling last week and it turned out great, last night was awesome too.

We all met in Farmington at Ben's place. Olga (from the Dominican Republic) drove us to Wheeler Farm in her car. During the 45 minute drive (in a snowstorm), I was able to get to know these great people better and get prepped for what was to come. All of us in the car had been divorced. They are all in their 40's, I was the baby because I'm 33. Each of them discussed their ex spouses, except for me. I liked to listen and try to understand each situation. All three of them are still a bit (actually, a lot) in love with either their former spouse or an ex-dating partner.

This was the first part of the night where I felt really blessed to not be missing or loving anyone. I don't know if I can describe what I felt, but I felt relieved to not be pining for someone.

In the car, when Shane found out that this would be my first of these 30+ dances, he asked if I was nervous. "I'm terrified" was my reply. He said, "Oh just relax, you won't meet the love of your life here, so lower your expectations and you'll be pleasantly surprised". I laughed right out loud at his words of comfort. "No, Shane, I am no where near that stage of thinking. honestly, I just do not want to be physically close to strange men and I definitely don't want to be groped by anyone"

Surprised by the expression of my strong feelings, the car filled with laughter as I was tutored by these expert dance goers. I learned that these dances have no upper age limit. So, the terms grandpa and groping can be heard in the same sentence.

Learning that there would be dancers in their 60's and 70's actually relaxed me quite a bit.

We entered the big barn like building on Historic Wheeler Farm and went upstairs to check our coats. From upstairs you can look down onto the dance floor. It was so funny to me at first. There were so many old people out there shakin' it and workin' it. I had to smile and I even laughed a little bit. There were quite a few wall flowers too. Many people watched and ate. There was a refreshment bar with salads and small sandwiches, nuts and candies. (I have to include this food information for my dad--he's totally obsessed with what kind of food is offered for how much you pay anywhere). These particular dances are run by a DJ, have a dress code (modesty), and serve ice water. No smoking or drinking.

We went downstairs and as I stepped onto the dance floor, I realized that these people (who I had just laughed at moments ago) were my peers. More than that--they are my spiritual brothers and sisters.

I had planned on being a wall flower last night. I was heading out there as an exercise to take a temperature of my readiness for dating. Also, I was pleasantly happy that I was not loving anyone at this time.

HOWEVER, when I saw all these different people with my spiritual eyes, my heart grew. I felt a ton of love for all of these people. It occurred to me that every single person in that big room had experienced heartache and pain in life. My perspective completely changed.

I accepted every dance with every guy who asked me. I was assertive with my space, but very willing to ask questions and let them talk about themselves. I also paid more attention to the women around me. I thought about how much time and thought had gone into the clothing that they chose to wear. Where I had thrown on some simple black pants and a yellow hooded sweater, these women had really gone out of their way to look attractive. Many women with wrinkles had put layers of makeup on (I really think this would have made me judge them and shake my head with thoughts that they need to be more real), but instead I hurt a little bit for them and I saw the beauty and strength in their eyes. I also said a quiet prayer that they would find good men who also saw the beauty in these women.

Near the end of the dance, I was standing alone near the dance floor during a fast dance. I was really enjoying watching a group of friends dance silly and laugh together. Each person in that circle dealt with being overweight. I admired them for their enthusiasm and creativity. One of them noticed me and motioned for me to join the circle. I did and had fun. When a slow song started another one from the circle started dancing with me. He is my age and we talked easily. They announced the last song of the evening and he asked if I would finish the evening with him. At the end of the song he invited me to join his circle of friends to go to a restaurant. I thanked him, but declined. I told him that I came with some other people and needed to get home to get to sleep. Having dealt with weight issues all of my adult life, I understood what it would take for him to invite me out and I admired him. I really hope to see that circle of dancers again.

Driving home that night, I felt peace. I didn't feel as wrapped up in myself anymore. I was no longer the "terrified" girl as I had previously described myself. I was a dancer learning from others and gaining perspective.

Precious Time

"Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Starting work in a less than 2 weeks makes me feel so grateful for the extra time that I have had with my girls. We have really enjoyed kicking back and playing together. They love playing Uno, any kind of concentration (numbers or letter matching), horses, princesses and house. I've tried to play as much as possible with them, but without a maid I do have to do chores once and a while also. I've decided not to get a gym membership. I have absolutely loved the classes at the gym, but now that I will return to work, I'm going to have to merge some play with girls time with exercise time. We have done yoga together and they absolutely love it. I need to get them to enjoy cardio and strength training too. I love my girls so much. I found out today that their uncle (my ex husband's brother) past away after battling Lukemia. Tomorrow we will go to the viewing. He was only 22 yrs old. He was such a friendly, outgoing, kind guy. I do know that he will be busy and charismatic where he is serving now. I am so glad that my girls have been in the US and were able to get to know him before his death. My heart aches for his parents and his siblings. I do believe that there are no untimely deaths, but it sure is difficult to move forward without an important person in your daily life.

Back in the Singles Scene

I ventured into unfamiliar territory.

I went to my first over 30 Singles activity. We actually have a name. We are "Mid Singles" not "Young Singles" or "Geriatric Singles". I have been attending the Wednesday night religion class in Centerville each week. This class sponsored a Saturday night bowling activity in Ogden last night.

I arrived a bit early and didn't recognize anyone that looked like a "Mid Single" person. I lined up in the bowling line to pay and get a lane--it was a long line so I figured that I had time to search out some of my peers to join me in line so I wouldn't bowl in a lane by myself. Before I knew it, I was next up to the cashier.

I panicked--saw some singlish looking people, but didn't want to yell to them (and they wouldn't even know me), so I left the enormous line and found some safety in the restroom. I took some deep breaths. I wasn't sure if I was actually ready to be in a social setting where people were having fun, but at the same time, scoping out others for eternal companions. Even though I don't feel ready for scoping, I do want to meet some friends in my similar situation. It would be nice to find a few friends who are single moms with young kids just like me.

I made a deal with myself that I would go back out to the bowling area for five minutes. If I didn't feel comfortable or didn't see anyone that I recognized from our huge class, then I would excuse myself from the "fun" and probably not venture out to an activity for another 6 weeks. I guess this could be called the Groundhog plan.

As it turns out, I bravely left the safety of the ladies room and within seconds spotted my friend Rory. Rory and I met 10 years ago. We reconnected at Wednesday's religion class a few days ago. Rory and I ended up tagging along in a bowling lane with 4 new friends and we had a blast!! I managed to get the lowest score both games--too bad we weren't on the golf course, right?

Exercise

Yesterday, I did a long run. My legs were burning and even after the run the pain was increasing. Usually, the pain goes away about an hour after the run and then muscle soreness wakes me up the next morning--but yesterday I got no relief. I actually had to take a painkiller to get to sleep. For those of you who know me well, I avoid painkillers unless I really can't deal with the pain over a period of time. Anyway, today I dreaded going to RPM (indoor biking class with awesome music and an instructor bossing us around telling us we are going up imaginary hills and we have to increase our tension or telling us we are in a race and we have to pedal faster). I forced my sore legs (actually sore body) to the class anyway and I am SO GLAD that I did. The class was hard, the instructor was pushy and I really pushed it more than normal. It felt awesome!!

My muscles needed that intense biking workout in order to release all the lactic acid from yesterday's brutal run.

Now I probably should be stretching and drinking water. The guy next to me informed me that I was dehydrated. He told me that my face was too red and I didn't have a large enough puddle of sweat under my bike. Good to know--thank-you to my new biking stranger friend.

Thankful

Things are going really well.

I'm excited to start working after Thanksgiving. My girls are really adjusting to the idea of me starting to teach again. Today, Emerson said, "You know mom, you did a really good job at pretending to be a nanny and maid." That made me feel really good. She is such a sweetheart and looks after me. She knows that I was no where near as good as our Indonesian nanny and Philippina maid, but she saved me from feeling like a failure.

I love my girls so much. I'm so grateful for their health and their innocence. It's a privilege to be responsible for training these Spirit Sisters of mine.

I'm grateful for our house and our supportive family. My sisters, Jessica, Shelly and Sherra have been such good friends to me lately. My brother Shane has been so helpful around the house and yard. My girls love when he visits. I am so grateful for renewed relationships with some of my cousins too.

I'm really thankful recently for the resurrection of my MacBook Pro. Luckily, my boss, who is a Mac guru replaced the hard drive for me and downloaded hundreds of dollars worth of software. It feels wrong to be so thrilled to be reunited with a machine, but oh it is fabulous!!

Children of God

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God". Elder Orson F. Whitney
Yesterday at church a darling little girl sang a medley of 3 primary songs. She started with I am a Child of God then a verse of Teach Me to Walk in the Light and closed with If the Savior Stood Beside Me. I loved it! If we know that we are truly His children and we try to gain more light and knowledge, it really does become easier to be like Him and do what He would do.