I started this journey blog 2 years ago as a divorced woman with 2 kids. We had recently returned from living overseas and were adjusting to American life with great close friends and cousins. I entered the dating world to find a high-quality everyday daddy for my girls. I found someone so much more! I love David more than I ever imagined I could love a man. He is my miracle! We walk this cobblestone path together with 7 young ones nearby. It is fabulously bumpy and unexpectedly wonderful.

Blending these families

I had two of David's kids stay with me last week while he spent some time with his youngest in New Mexico. I drove his kids back up to Idaho with mine and we met up with his two oldest who had been at summer camp. The next day, David returned home and I was ready to head back to Utah with my kids. David suggested that Kamryn just stay with him for the week. She was thrilled!! Her preschool year has ended and she gets bored with Emerson and me at school everyday. Kamryn is having a great time with her step siblings and new neighbor friends. David is only out of the house 2 hours each day as opposed to my 8 hours. She really adores him and the time and attention that he gives to all of our kids. Emerson is quite homesick for Kamryn. I miss her too, but I'm happy that she's so happy in Idaho. In other news, we are getting married next Friday!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. This engagement has been the perfect amount of time (7 months), but it's exciting to finally plan and prepare for the day and the details. We're getting married in the Salt Lake Temple with very few guests. Originally, I wanted to elope. I imagined just me and David and maybe our parents there with us. Our children, however, had BIG plans for wedding parties and fancy clothes. I was not on board with all that, but we really needed the kids to buy in to the blended family and they were so excited. Luckily, my mom stepped in during the month of February to start planning with the kids. I started getting excited in May and decided to let my mom design a wedding dress. It's gorgeous! She was prayerful as she created this unique dress. She merged 4 patterns and some of her own design to make me into a bride. Our guest list has gotten a little longer and the kids keep getting more excited.

The Miracle Muffin Experiments

You may have heard of the one minute muffin recipe. If not, just google it. My first attempt was not too yummy. Actually it was kinda gross. I forgot to add stevia. With some help from my mini kitchen scientist--we've had success!! Kamryn just gobbled up a gluten-free, sugar-free, high protien "brownie" and she is picky. Tomorrow morning I'll try an apple-cinnamon version. 9 grams of protein, 4 grams of carbohydrate(all fiber) and all in less than 2 minutes!!

Academy for Pleasant Mornings

Emerson has generally been a good morning person. She started daily school when she was only three, so for the past 4 years she has woken up before 7 am and been out the door by 7:40. Mornings have generally been cheerful and easy.
This morning was a disappointment. Emerson was terribly grumpy. She became defiant and we were 20 minutes later than usual.
Normally, I would have nagged her and helped her hurry. I would have been tempted to rant about how her behavior is making mommy late for work and mommy needs her job. Luckily, I had a more effective technique. I left her in the house so I wouldn't have to hear her yelling about all of her ugly clothes. I waited in the van.
During our 1.5 mile commute, after she was calm, I told her that after school today we would have an Academy. "Oh, okay" She responded. She had had 2 academies in the past month. One where I trained her how to walk down the stairs without pushing people and one where I trained her how to feed the cat without spilling food everywhere. Those academies were easy compared to what we would face today.
When I choose to enroll a child in an academy I choose a time that is convenient for me and inconvenient for the child. Today that happened to be right after school before dinner when she usually is outside having a blast with friends.
The rules of an academy at our house are that I demonstrate the behavior that I want the child to do and then the child repeats it over and over again until she has 5 successes.
Emerson was excited when I demonstrated the ideal behavior of a pleasant morning. I put my pajamas on and crawled into her bed. Then I cheerfully woke up, changed into day clothes, brushed my teeth, combed my hair and put on my shoes. Finally, I reported to the kitchen.
I explained that she needed to do the same thing five times correctly. Correctly would mean that she would not yell or try to demand assistance. She would not complain about clothes and she would report to the kitchen within 15 minutes. I told her that I would take notes about her behavior while I cooked dinner.
If the photo turns out clear you'll see that she had a great start, finding the role play fun, but then got frustrated with changing clothes and the repetition. Crying for 10 minutes between the first and second attempts wore her out. I confess freely to self-medicating my stress with a cookie from the plate I was taking to a neighbor (sorry Shauna). I feel the academy was a success (because it drained both of us but empowered me). I can say confidently that it was successful even before tomorrow comes because I guarantee she will never want to attend a "Pleasant Morning Academy" again.

Self-Esteem and God-Esteem

As a teenager, I spoke in church about the difference between the world's understanding of self-esteem and spiritual self-confidence. Well, even though I truly believed that I knew everything about life by the time I was a teenager, I have had some life experiences teach me a lot more than I knew then. ;-)
I believe there is something more important than self-esteem and I'll call it God-esteem. This comes when a person realizes and accepts the fact that God loves him/her just because. The person didn't do anything to win God's approval, but His Love is illustrated in the Atonement of His Son, Jesus Christ. We are motivated to love and serve Him because He loves us so very much.
Having God-Esteem is a priceless gift in your relationships with others.
I've been reading about Bernard of Clairvaux who taught about levels of love. He was a French monk who lived almost one thousand years ago.
First Level: to love myself solely-- not interested in others.
Second Level (not much better than level one): to love you for my sake
This love is selfish as we use someone for gain, comfort or convenience.
HERE'S A BIG JUMP TO THE THIRD LEVEL
Third Level: to love you for your sake
This form if love respects the other person. This love wants good things for the other and looks out for another's interest. This love sounds great! Here we would see mutual respect and service to the needs of others. Most families would be thrilled to have everyone possessing this third level of love.
However we learn from the French monk that there is a higher level of love.
Fourth Level: to love myself for your sake
This is a self-respecting love that stems from God-esteem. When you recognize your worth in God's eyes and are filled with this love then you can give the best of yourself to those around you. You can deal with struggles, stress in the relationship and even disagreements because you don't fear personal rejection. Your identity as a Spiritual Child of God is secure. You are not dependent on your family for your sense of worth, but dependent on God.
Jesus taught that we are to love God and then to love our neighbor as ourselves. Monk Bernard's last level of love sounds like Christ's second great commandment. It is through the first great commandment that makes following the second commandment possible. We need God-Esteem.
This acceptance of high worth in God is a blessing to a family. When my worth and identity comes from God, then I don't have to get that from you. I think it's fantastic to be affirmed in a relationship, especially by family members, but having God-Esteem means that we are not devastated when relationships in marriage or children or step children or siblings don't affirm us or define our worth. I really can stand confidently in the face of your rejection or distancing because none of it will take away my worth.

Looking into the Soul

A few months ago I made a goal to look deeply into my daughters' eyes at least once everyday.

I noticed that by taking the time to look into their eyes while they were speaking to me or cuddling with me made those moments more intimate and meaningful. I found myself calling them to come to me instead of always having them instigate connections as I was busy with laundry, cooking or dishes.
Looking into their eyes allows me to be present, to truly listen and let them know that they are being heard. More importantly than this, I feel a spiritual bond being strengthened when I look into the windows of their souls. It makes daily interactions more loving.

Yesterday, the phone rang in my classroom as I was entering scores for report cards. The enthusiastic music teacher invited me to come to her room to hear my students perform. I gladly accepted the invitation. She does amazing work with these kids. I entered her room to see my students sitting crossed-legged holding drumsticks (not the kind that you eat). She led them in a 3 minute percussion performance. They were incredibly focused and in sync with each other. The performance was long enough that I was able to take a turn to look each student in the eyes. When they performed it a second time, I did the "hold a glance" experiment again and felt a huge wave of love come over me as I felt connected to each one of these beautiful children.

As a teacher I am constantly hearing myself say, "Eyes up here", "Look this way", "Watch me model this" and other demands for their eyes. Yesterday, it was beautiful to look into their eyes without teaching them or talking at them. I was able to look at them and think about how much I love them. Taking a turn to lock eyes with each as they proudly beat their drum was the most amazing experience that I've had all week.

It was such a simple thing to do and it brought immense joy. I wanted to try this experiment on a stranger, so at the grocery store last night, instead of busying myself, I looked right into the eyes of the cashier and found her looking right back at me. I made this brief connection with her -- through our eyes -- and the moment was powerful (for me at least). I recognized her as a caring, hard-working individual with a complicated life. I can't really describe the feelings that I felt, but it seemed that time stood still for a moment or two and I felt my heart grow.

This morning, in the bathroom mirror, I looked deeply into my own eyes and felt a little more love for myself even. What Joy!

It may feel a bit strange or silly to stare deeply into your own eyes, but I encourage all of you to try it. If you cannot do it, it may be a good idea to find out why it is difficult for you.

I look forward to more moments like these. I pray that I will remember to slow down and notice people. That I will look into their eyes and get a glimpse of their souls.

The Beginning of Blending

So we're into Phase 3 of this Blending Families Experiment. My kids with his kids. My girls and I arrived Thursday with our kitten. During daylight hours we are with David's family. His cat and our kitten haven't developed tolerance or respect for each other, but all of the kids have. I attribute this smooth transition to the fact that everyone of the 7 kids wants this big family to work out. They each seem eager to live in a home with a Dad and a Mom and have lots of brothers and sisters. Another helpful fact is that our kids are not spoiled. They easily share and get along well with each other. During the past year, I have been working to soften my heart and to train myself to love more easily, deeply and carelessly. I realize my heart is forward and venerable in this new condition. His kids are so easy to love! I really believe I would love them so much even if my heart were smaller, pushed in deeper and harder like it had been in the past.
My girls are usually joined at the hip and feel that they NEED each others' companionship even on bathroom trips. In the past couple of days though they have practiced more independence. They feel loved and secure in this big family. Yesterday David and I sat on the couch with the baby while the six others plus a neighbor friend played/worked quietly in small little groups in the same family room. It didn't feel like I thought 8 kids would feel or sound like.
Saturday, after chores, we took both our identical vans to get a live tree. I can't tell you how comically relieving it was to be the helper, not the leader in sawing and drilling to prep thetree for the stand. This was one of those times when I pictured myself completing a task with my previous husband. It is beautiful to have a capable, loving, and patient partner. Last night our family of 9 sat around the dinner table in love and gratitude. After dinner, I took the oldest girls along with their friends to a movie while David stayed home with the younger ones. It was reported that they did kids' yoga and spread blankets out for lots of bedtime stories. I love him!! The kids adore him too!