Looking into the Soul

A few months ago I made a goal to look deeply into my daughters' eyes at least once everyday.

I noticed that by taking the time to look into their eyes while they were speaking to me or cuddling with me made those moments more intimate and meaningful. I found myself calling them to come to me instead of always having them instigate connections as I was busy with laundry, cooking or dishes.
Looking into their eyes allows me to be present, to truly listen and let them know that they are being heard. More importantly than this, I feel a spiritual bond being strengthened when I look into the windows of their souls. It makes daily interactions more loving.

Yesterday, the phone rang in my classroom as I was entering scores for report cards. The enthusiastic music teacher invited me to come to her room to hear my students perform. I gladly accepted the invitation. She does amazing work with these kids. I entered her room to see my students sitting crossed-legged holding drumsticks (not the kind that you eat). She led them in a 3 minute percussion performance. They were incredibly focused and in sync with each other. The performance was long enough that I was able to take a turn to look each student in the eyes. When they performed it a second time, I did the "hold a glance" experiment again and felt a huge wave of love come over me as I felt connected to each one of these beautiful children.

As a teacher I am constantly hearing myself say, "Eyes up here", "Look this way", "Watch me model this" and other demands for their eyes. Yesterday, it was beautiful to look into their eyes without teaching them or talking at them. I was able to look at them and think about how much I love them. Taking a turn to lock eyes with each as they proudly beat their drum was the most amazing experience that I've had all week.

It was such a simple thing to do and it brought immense joy. I wanted to try this experiment on a stranger, so at the grocery store last night, instead of busying myself, I looked right into the eyes of the cashier and found her looking right back at me. I made this brief connection with her -- through our eyes -- and the moment was powerful (for me at least). I recognized her as a caring, hard-working individual with a complicated life. I can't really describe the feelings that I felt, but it seemed that time stood still for a moment or two and I felt my heart grow.

This morning, in the bathroom mirror, I looked deeply into my own eyes and felt a little more love for myself even. What Joy!

It may feel a bit strange or silly to stare deeply into your own eyes, but I encourage all of you to try it. If you cannot do it, it may be a good idea to find out why it is difficult for you.

I look forward to more moments like these. I pray that I will remember to slow down and notice people. That I will look into their eyes and get a glimpse of their souls.

The Beginning of Blending

So we're into Phase 3 of this Blending Families Experiment. My kids with his kids. My girls and I arrived Thursday with our kitten. During daylight hours we are with David's family. His cat and our kitten haven't developed tolerance or respect for each other, but all of the kids have. I attribute this smooth transition to the fact that everyone of the 7 kids wants this big family to work out. They each seem eager to live in a home with a Dad and a Mom and have lots of brothers and sisters. Another helpful fact is that our kids are not spoiled. They easily share and get along well with each other. During the past year, I have been working to soften my heart and to train myself to love more easily, deeply and carelessly. I realize my heart is forward and venerable in this new condition. His kids are so easy to love! I really believe I would love them so much even if my heart were smaller, pushed in deeper and harder like it had been in the past.
My girls are usually joined at the hip and feel that they NEED each others' companionship even on bathroom trips. In the past couple of days though they have practiced more independence. They feel loved and secure in this big family. Yesterday David and I sat on the couch with the baby while the six others plus a neighbor friend played/worked quietly in small little groups in the same family room. It didn't feel like I thought 8 kids would feel or sound like.
Saturday, after chores, we took both our identical vans to get a live tree. I can't tell you how comically relieving it was to be the helper, not the leader in sawing and drilling to prep thetree for the stand. This was one of those times when I pictured myself completing a task with my previous husband. It is beautiful to have a capable, loving, and patient partner. Last night our family of 9 sat around the dinner table in love and gratitude. After dinner, I took the oldest girls along with their friends to a movie while David stayed home with the younger ones. It was reported that they did kids' yoga and spread blankets out for lots of bedtime stories. I love him!! The kids adore him too!

What's Scarier than Falling? Blending

I took an intermediate level painting class in college. I had recently earned a bunch of ART credits by taking a Portuguese written assessment and by resubmitting my AP Art History test score from high school. I just needed this painting class to meet the BA requirement and graduate. I should have been in Beginning Watercolor, but it wasn't offered my last semester. I had to get permission to be in the class with the real art students. Getting these last 2 ART credits was the easiest way to get a BA instead of going the BS route and would allow me to graduate ahead of schedule.

I liked painting, but I was no where near good enough to succeed at the "collegiate" level and I really didn't want this class to taint my GPA. After moving through some fairly easy assignments, the professor required us to paint something with difficult colors warning us that if we didn't paint properly, we would end up with a muddy mess. I painted with 2 of the difficult colors he allowed--red and green. Red and green together make muddy brown. I was so careful. There's only one tiny part of my painting that is muddy. I was pleased with my work, but it took a long long time. I still remember the pleasantly shocked look on his face when I presented my painting of a red apple on a green and yellow background. He told me, "Wow! I didn't know you had it in you! You took risks and it tuned out okay."

A while back, I poured my heart out about being scared to fall in love. He is an intelligent, hard working, kind, loving man. I had been afraid that I would love too much and get hurt in the end. It turns out that falling can be really fun if you have a partner that's falling in love right along with you.
Now, as we prepare to blend our lives together, the blending of our families is what scares me. I've heard of others' experiences with step children and step mothers and ex wives and realize that ours will be different. Different doesn't mean easy. Blending families can't be easy for anyone involved. I am so grateful to have a partner right along side of me as we begin the challenging process of blending.
This weekend my girls will get to have more time with him and Emerson, more than Kamryn, realizes that he and I may eventually marry. She sees him differently now than she did when she met him casually in September. She's texted him a few times and is pretty thrilled for his upcoming arrival.
His kids are excited to get to know me, my girls are excited to get to know him--but just like the "excitement" with new love--there will be many other feelings to experience. Here's to the hope, faith and charity we will need to blend these kids as carefully as possible. In the end, I hope to hear something similar to: "I knew you had it in you! You took risks and it tuned out beautifully."

Snow Saturday Slumber NO

We knew it would snow when we fell asleep. In my mind the first snow landing on a Saturday meant snuggling down deeper in my warm bed for at least 30 extra minutes.

To them, it meant SNOW PLAY!!

At 6:45 AM, I bundled them up in the snow pants and gloves (that I got for a bargain at the end of Spring last year). It was dark and I told them to stay in the yard while I started laundry and breakfast.

Only 5 minute later did I realize I needed to grab something from the garden shed and drop it off at the Coombs' house around the corner.

I bundled myself up and headed outside. No girls in the front yard. I had just been in the garden shed and didn't see them in the back yard either. My heart raced. They had run off on Halloween night and were awarded tough consequences--How could they do this again?!?!?

The only place I thought that they would go would be to the Coombs' house where I needed to go, so I calmed down. I was hoping that my girls weren't ringing the doorbell at 7 in the morning on a snowy Saturday, but I could picture it.

Arriving at Coombs, my heart sank when my girls weren't visible. It was still really dark and everything was quiet. Back to my yard, I investigated the footprint in the snow. The markings proved that they had, in fact, walked out of the yard down to the corner and then the prints stopped. Did they cross the street to walk three blocks to visit the horse pasture and check on the horses in the snow? Did a StRaNgEr take them?!?! It was at this moment that my "freak out" turned on. At the corner, I pulled out my phone and looked up the number for the police department--I knew not to use 911, even though this was, in fact, an emergency. I prayed a quick prayer to calm down and guide my actions. As I began dialing, I heard their voices. I ran to the driveway to my laughing daughters. I pulled them close and and asked them why they disobeyed and left the yard. Emerson said, "We walked to the corner, but remembered the rule, so we've been playing in the backyard the whole time."

I'm so thankful for these girls. I can't imagine life without them. I know life without them would include snowy Saturday sleeping in, but I don't like to sleep in anyway.

Falling is sometimes scary

The only ride that I hate at our local amusement park is the Rocket Re-Entry. There are 2 Rocket rides. One blasts you off 200 feet into the air quickly (within 3 seconds) and then you are let down at a slower speed.

The other Rocket Ride is horrible and works in the opposite direction.

Here is the description from Lagoon's website: "Guests are slowly raised to the top of the 200 foot tower in approximately 20 -25 seconds and then blasted downward."

Blasted is correct.

"As they near the bottom of the tower, they enjoy several cushioned bounces."

Enjoy is not correct. (For me at least)

I went on this ride only once and I cried like a baby for several minutes afterwards. I was 24 at the time and terrified, but in a social setting with single guys and I really tried to pull myself together. I was a mess. I vowed never to do it again.

Falling is scary.

Falling in love is terrifying.

I have been happy to meet new guy friends and had fun dating for the past 6 months. I made a few really good friends and learned a lot from quality individuals.

There were many many nights as I journaled, studied and prayed at the end of the day that I tried to plan and negotiate ways to stay single forever. To date and have friends, but to not get too attached to anyone.

I was afraid of falling in love.

We have had season passes to Lagoon this year. My girls have a few favorite rides. One of their favorites is called the Dinosaur Drop. It is a vertical drop tower ride, but on a smaller scale. The rider only gets to "enjoy" the feeling of dropping to her death from 40 feet, not 200 feet.

I went on this Dinosaur Drop at the beginning of the summer ONLY because I thought that I was required to accompany the little girls. Tears came to my eyes and I hated it, but I didn't completely lose it and I was not an official mess.

For the past couple of months the girls have ridden the Dinosaur Drop without me, but this last weekend, they really wanted me to join them. You know what, I didn't HATE it this time. I didn't exactly LOVE it, but I almost thought it was fun.

A couple of months ago, a certain man really stood out. Not only is he super handsome, but he's an incredible father to his 5 kids. I tried not to get too impressed, but he is pretty amazing. I tried to convince myself that I could prevent myself from falling in love with him. Looking back I can see why I did this. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to fall, get hurt and then become a mess.

I was happy being single and I felt very safe physically and emotionally.

I knew from the start that this man would keep me safe physically, but I thought that I wasn't yet willing to allow myself emotional hurt. I still feel like he is out of my league in many areas. However, I am willing to risk the potential hurt because he makes me a better, happier person.

If I can handle the risk of the Dinosaur Drop, I can do almost anything. Yeah, right!!?!!

Someday I may even get married again, but that's as scary as the Rocket Re-entry ride don't you think?

The Doctor Visit

Today we welcomed a doctor to our 3rd grade as a launch to the health unit on the Skeletal system. He brought a huge skeleton and pointed out joints and named about 30 bones then he asked a few questions, but realized he just needed to let them ask the questions.

The questions and answers made me laugh, so I started taking notes during the discussion.

Doctor: What are your bones made of?

Student A: Wood

Doctor: No actually it's in something we drink?

Student B: Milk--Bones are made of milk.

STUDENT QUESTIONS

What's your butt made of?

How do you get disease?

Can you pop your knuckles?

Is it bad to twist your arm really weird?

How do your eyeballs stay in?

Does your tongue have bones?

Later in the day one girl told me that it was really weird that the doctor thought that the "finger" was the biggest bone in the body. I explained to the class that the thigh bone is the largest bone and is called the "femur"-- more than half of them though he said "finger".

I like being the observer occasionally. Funny kids. Patient doctor.

A Memory from Budapest

During the Summer of 2001, I spent some time in Budapest, Hungary. On the 2nd morning, I woke before my hosts (my friend John and his parents) and headed out walking around the neighborhood on the Buda side. I loved it. The houses were brightly painted and beautiful flowers filled the window boxes. There were quite a few older men out in their yards or cleaning their driveways. As I walked passed I wanted to be friendly in their language so I used a term that had been said to me several times the day before. "Csókolom!" The first man looked at me strangely, but smiled. But, by the 4th time I said this word to one of my temporary neighbors, I knew I was saying it wrong. But I remember how it sounded and I really thought I was pronouncing it correctly--it sounds like "Chocolom".

Later in the day while I was out shopping with John's mom, I asked her about the word. She laughed right out loud and told me that word is only said to women and it means "I kiss your hand".

Got it!