Loving Their Dad

It’s amazing how much love a parent can have for his/her kids. I realize that it’s not easy to feel enormous love for kids when they are making messes, washing the laptop with hand sanitizer or throwing a tantrum. However, the love is there. Recently I have felt great love for the parents in the world who do not get to see their children often enough.

Tonight we went to an outdoor movie on our neighbor’s lawn. This neighbor is so much fun and I was thrilled to take my girls (after forcing them to take a late afternoon nap). We excitedly spread out our big blanket and then cuddled up together to watch Gnomeo and Juliet projected onto a white sheet hanging from the fence. There were four other families there too.

I remember this friend inviting us last summer and we didn’t end up going. I was feeling very “single” in a super “married” community. Somehow I had convinced myself that it would be awkward to go to an activity with a bunch of married people not related to me. Weird, I know, I can see how much I have grown up or wised up since then, but I also recognize how “different” we make ourselves feel sometimes. I remember feeling very “different” as a mother who worked outside of the home. I don’t feel that anymore. I feel very blessed to be able to support my family financially and extra blessed to have a job as a teacher so I can spend lots of time with my kids.

After living on the skirts of a rain forest for 2 years, you forget how clear desert skies take your breath away in day and in night. Tonight was really great. I felt so happy and as the night became darker, the stars exploded in the sky. The girls whispered excitedly, “Oh mom! Look at those stars!!” I smiled and snuggled them closer, but then a sharp sadness hit me.

Tears filled my eyes as I thought of their dad. He is missing this experience with them. In their short lives they haven’t had a whole lot of contact with him. When he told me earlier this week that he could only take them for a few hours on Father’s Day and not over night, I worried that they might feel badly. They didn’t seem upset; they’re just excited to take him the cards and painting that they have prepared. I have felt sorry for the girls--sorry that I don’t have a daily or weekly daddy for them.

Tonight though, was the first time that I felt so sorry for him--sorry that he was missing this memory. He has a lot going on right now and he may not feel sorry about missing memories, but sometime in the past or in the future he hurts. I hurt for him tonight.

It is amazing to me how the Lord works on us. There are times in our lives when we are turned inward and may feel “different”, but sometimes, okay many times, this feeling “different” prevents us from not only enjoying life but also from opening our perspective to others and seeing others’ pain and hurts. I haven’t been a fan of my ex-husband for various valid reasons, but lately I have been really praying diligently to see others in the way that Our Heavenly Father sees them. I’m no where near that level of love and I don’t have that amount of compassion, but it was incredible tonight to feel even a fraction of the love and concern that our Father must feel for their daddy.

On Biking and Dating

Getting out of the comfort zone on a bike--"It's not courage if you're not scared"
The "scary" narrow trail ;-)
Aaaahhh the freedom and comfort of the wide road--time to experiment and learn about this biking thing.

DATING IS SO MUCH LIKE BIKING at least for me, at this time in my journey.

The comparison seems so clear in my head and in my heart, but I don’t know how effectively I can communicate the similarities.

I have wanted to become a mountain biker ever since I got addicted to indoor biking classes about 5 months ago. I bought the bike 3 months ago, but really only took it around the neighborhood until now.

I’ve been divorced for a while now. I didn’t even think about dating until 6 months ago when I started getting asked out at singles’ events. I went out a few times with a few decent guys who had never married. I decided I would probably wait ten years or so before dating again.

The bike, in my garage, had been calling to me as the weather improved. I started venturing out further and finally tried the Legacy Parkway with a friend. This straight stretch of paved trail protects the biker from traffic and offers decent scenery through west Davis County. You can bike side by side and visit except for the occasional times that you need to pass joggers. I started falling in love with biking and was ready to let rides become more frequent and more intense.

The dating hadn’t been calling to me, but as I attended more social events, I did have a desire to build friendships and find others who would like to run or bike with me and have singleness in common. Also, when co-workers or friends asked if I would meet their neighbor, relative, or friend I said, “Maybe or sure” instead of “not yet”. One thing I was sure of, I had my comfortable rules that I wanted to keep. I wanted to get to know people in group settings or fitness activities before venturing into typical dating situations.

Tonight I went to actually mountain bike in the hills outside of Park City. I found myself feeling a little uncertain about the incline of this big hill. It got so much worse though when I completely froze upon seeing the amount of people in my group and the narrow trail that we would use to get to the top. I pictured myself clumsily knocking over (because I'm still learning about this bike and gears in general). I saw a clear picture of me falling and causing a domino effect for the rest of my new biker friends.

I could not do it.

However, I did drive all the way to Park City and I wanted to bike.

So I did bike to the top--I just took the wide paved road instead. The climb was difficult, but I felt so secure on the wide road. This gave me a chance, on my own, to test out the gears and learn when to change them.

I still feel like I am not ready for real mountain biking but I’m going to try it again and again until I’m ready for the narrow trail in a line of bikers. Until then I will bike the wider trails and enjoy rides for myself. I’m still really excited about indoor biking and playing around in the outdoor scene--why rush it?

A couple of weeks ago I had a fitness activity scheduled with a nice guy. Unfortunately, the weather didn’t allow for our bike ride, so we went to eat instead. I found him so easy to talk with, however, I would have preferred talking with him from the safety of a bike side by side instead of having to look directly at him. You see, he smiled a lot and I liked it. Well, within a week, we had spent more time together in dating situations and I started freaking out. Did I like this guy? yep. Did I feel like I was excited about the idea of not dating a bunch of new people, but just sticking with a great guy? Absolutely.

I could not do it.

However I do know that I need to not be afraid of dating and I do want to eventually remarry--it's pretty important to date before getting married ;-)

I had to create more safety for myself. I let him know that I had issues and needed more time in between dates. He reacted strangely with the structure I was setting and it turned weird, but I wasn’t going to change how I felt about my safety and healing. He said he may call in a couple of months. I told him I wished the best for him, but when I hung up I felt amazingly relieved. It should have been harder to lose a new friend, but it needed to happen that way. I still feel like I’m not ready for real dating, but I’m going to try it again and again until I’m ready for a steady relationship. Until then, I will probably remain a bit guarded and I will never allow someone else to tell me how I should be healing more quickly or dating before I’m ready. I’m still really excited about being single--why rush it?

An App for serial daters

I'm not a serial dater, but I have been increasing my dating frequency. For those of you who have read some of my posts, you know that I have some interesting procedures (rules) for my dating practice. It gives me confidence and control over situations and I love it. One such procedure is that I don't go out with the same person unless I have done at least a quick lunch date or some other social event with a different guy. I don't want to get serious with one person too soon AND I feel like I'm learning a lot from new friends. I dated a bit earlier this year and wasn't impressed with anyone in particular. Recently though I have been quite impressed with someone, so I've been out with other guys in between the dates with Mr. Impressive. A week ago a coworker asked me if I would meet her neighbor. The next day she brought her husband in to work to meet me. Apparently, he and this neighbor have been close buddies since 2nd grade, so I had to pass his approval. I guess I passed because we went to a BBQ at the friend's house.
It was really fun. They are great people. I'm really glad that we went (yeah, I took my girls). I was really proud of Emerson for being kind and accepting even though some were drinking adult beverages.
Anyway, as I was getting to know this new guy, my brain hit overload. I was getting new info about his interests, family and career all jumbled up with info from 3 or 4 guys that I have recently met.

I remembered what Mr. Impressive had suggested that there needs to be a dating app that helps you store info on new acquaintances so you don't fumble (like I did with Mr Impressive) and mix up facts about a different guy. Before date number 3 or 4, you just pull up the info and study up so you look like you can manage important info about important people.

So all you app creators out there--get back to work :-). Your genius is apprecated.

If I were a drinker instead of a journaler . . .

I'd be sauced.
Today was tough.
Journaling for the past thirty minutes has washed away some pain caused by myopic perspective. Actually, the journaling/reflection changes my perspective and keeps me real.
I went to a Fundraiser tonight for a former student of mine. He has cancer. He's four years older than when I taught him, but unfortunately he probably weighs less now than he did as a 7 yr old. It broke my heart. I held my kids longer tonight at bedtime even though I was looking forward to some quiet think time. I love my girls so much. My heart aches for this cancer fighting family that I saw tonight.
I love the school's support of this boy and his family. The office staff and teachers are incredible. My heart swells with love for the people at this school. They offered so much love and support for me during a time when I was too proud to let family, church and friends know what was happening in my personal life. They didn't ask me if I needed help; they just gave me everything that I needed to help my sick husband, care for my babies and help me feel safe and loved.
Things have been so wonderful in my personal life over the last year. It would be really great to work at this fabulous school again now that I can be one that provides love and service. The school does have openings. I interviewed there last Thursday. I didn't think that I interviewed well and I still haven't been offered anything. I was a bit depressed earlier today. I rarely get depressed. I think my mood was a bit out of whack because my morning run was WAY too short also. It was so rainy AND my girls woke too early so I cut the run short.
I'm really grateful that I got out of that mood with some help from my journal. When I get my thoughts on paper, I can more easily identify the fuzzy thinking and begin to see things as they are (or how they should be).

Photos from Mothers Day and an Island Getaway

We had nothing planned on Mothers Day. I wasn't depressed or anything, but it would be a quiet Sunday. At church though, a neighbor family invited us to have lunch at their house. I teared up at the invitation and was a little embarrassed about my tears. I thought it was so kind of this woman to share her Mothers Day with my little family. After the lunch she presented me with this bouquet and her daughter gave my daughters a manicure and helped them write sweet notes to me.
This zebra pattern was the chosen artwork for tiny nails--they loved it!

THE ISLAND

After a full week of cold rain, we became reacquainted with the sun yesterday. It was beautiful so we went directly to Antelope Island after school.

Emerson the blossoming photojournalist. She is super selective and knows how to use the delete button--a bit hyper critical of her shots.
I love Antelope Island. My girls love it too. I want to go biking without the girls sometime--I would stay for hours.
She took her climbing seriously and went WAY higher than I should have allowed. No falls occurred thankfully.
My little mountain goats love climbing the rock formations.
Lovely isn't it? This is a view from the causeway north of the island. The Oquirrh Mountains are the snow-covered ones beyond the island.

The Good Samaritan as an allegory of the Plan of Salvation

I guess it's pretty obvious that this blog has become a record of our spiritual journey together more than anything else. My goal is to not be preachy, but to just share what I am thinking and learning.

For a few weeks, I have been thinking of Christ's parable of the Good Samaritan.

The first time that it occurred to me to see the Good Samaritan as an allegory as well as a parable, I was walking through a Cathedral in France (I was 24 at the time, working for Delta and flying free). I looked up at some panels of stained glass and saw the expulsion of Adam and Eve from the Garden intertwined with windows showing the Good Samaritan. I thought it was weird that they had placed Old Testament windows with New Testament Windows and then it hit me and I cried at the beauty and love of the lesson of the Plan of Salvation right within the Good Samaritan. So, for years I have recognized the allegory of the story and I have wondered why it is not addressed more often.

I'd like to share what I see.

I believe that when the lawyer asked Christ how to gain eternal life, he may have been trying to trap Christ into claiming to be the Son of God publicly. The lawyer actually had two Questions "How do I gain Eternal Life?" and then after Jesus' response the lawyer asked, "Who is my neighbor?" Jesus Christ answered BOTH questions. In our modern day, we usually see the response to the second question, but I feel the need to draw attention to the beautiful answer to the FIRST question.

Christ went on to teach that the only way to eternal life is through His Atonement and by no other way. Christ did this carefully through the story of a fallen man (Adam, us, All Mankind) who travelled from Jerusalem (pre-mortality) to Jericho (mortality). Remember, Jerusalem is about 2100 feet above sea level where Jericho is actually a 800+ feet below sea level. It was a winding road and a dangerous path. It is not difficult to compare this to the Fall. On earth we are no longer directly in the presence of the Lord, and can come upon trials, difficulties and temptations which leave us "half dead"(spiritual death; separation from God).

The priest and Levite represents the law (rules and Mosaic Law). Can the law alone save us?

They also didn't have the full authority or power to save mankind.

The Samaritan represents Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ was hated by many Jews just as the Samaritans were hated by Christ's target audience.

The Samaritan did not just walk by, but he went looking to save the wounded traveler. He had compassion (more love than we can imagine) he bound up the wounds (as He binds our broken hearts and bind us with covenants). The Samaritan used oil (light, Holy Ghost) and wine (purification through His blood).

The Samaritan stayed with the wounded. He did not leave too early. When He did leave, He made sure someone would take care of the recovering traveler (church leaders). He also promised to return again (Second Coming of the Savior) and pay any accrued expenses (The Savior will bless His servants in abundance as they work to help wounded travelers) This makes the ending beautiful--Christ is willing to pay whatever it takes for us to be healed. He loves us so much and we are moved by His love to love others.

I really do wonder why we don't discuss the allegory of the Plan of Salvation as much as we discuss the "story" of service. The two can be used together. One of the teaching of His Plan of Happiness and the other teaching ethics of how we treat one another. Neither threatens the truths of the other.

Seeing the Good Samaritan in this light is just another way that I can see that the scriptures "truly testify of Christ." Jacob 7:11

Mom My Body Doesn't MAKE Courage

One of the many reasons that I love being a mom is for the many times that I am reminded of important Eternal Truths. This special week and the weeks before this one I have really focused my study around the Atonement of Jesus Christ and not just the purifying effects, but the power we can gain from seeking to align our thoughts and actions to His.

Driving around this afternoon, this was the conversation between Emerson and me.

E: Mom you know how some people's bodies don't make insulin?

M: Yeah

E: Well, I am pretty sure my body doesn't make courage.

(Yesterday at school our awesome school counselor read a book to Emerson's Kindergarten class about courage and then later in the day, the counselor directed an excellent assembly on courage)

M: Well, remember what we learned yesterday at school? In order to have courage you have to practice being courageous.

E: That works for most people, mom, but I know that my body doesn't make courage.

This is when I was taught by the words leaving my mouth.

M: Emerson, Heavenly Father and Jesus love you. They want you to get help from them. Do you think that they have Courage?

E: Yeah, They have more courage than everyone.

M: Do you think they want you to have courage?

E: Yes.

M: How will you get help from them?

E: Pray for it.

M: When you ask Heavenly Father for Courage, I know that He will give you courage, but He will expect you to practice courage too.

She didn't say anything else, but in my heart I felt the Spirit testify that what I said was true and very applicable at this time in my life. I needed the testimony that I shared. I love being a mom.